The Sex Playlist on My iTunes for the Sex I Will “not” Be Having With My Ex in a Week and a Half

So I know I can’t be the only one who makes sex mixes. It’s absolutely essential to good sex. A bad soundtrack or failure to have one long enough is never good. I certainly won’t be sleeping with Dick once he gets here…. but let’s say we hypothetically booked a suite at the Gansevoort and hypothetically we layed down for a nap after a long day of drinks by the pool and hypothetically one thing leads to another… and before you know it we are having mindblowing sex? Hypothetically, of course. We’d need a good playlist right? And even if hypothetically that never happens… a girl needs to be prepared.

Below is my playlist for hypothetical sex with the ex:

1. I Miss You – Blink 182 (Used to be one of Dick and I’s songs – plus you can put it on and it doesn’t sound all that sexy, more like a song to “take a nap to”

2. Carry You – Dispatch (Hot)

3. Out Loud – Dispatch (Sweet)

4. Stay or Leave – Dave Matthews (Listen to the words)

5. Better Together – Jack Johnson (Dick and I’s song)

6. Rehab – Amy Winehouse (If you don’t believe me watch the Nip/Tuck clip of Matt and Kimber getting it on during a meth binge. Trust me.)

7. Sorry – Buckcherry (Passionate and perfect especially for someone who is… well, sorry)

8. I’m Yours – Jason Mraz (A totally cute and happy song)

9. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer (Anyone who has ever had a breakup should listen to this song… it’s incredibly written and beautiful)

10. What Goes Around – Justin Timberlake (Comes around!)

11. Soul to Squeeze – Red Hot Chili Peppers (So hot to hook up to… my high school boyfriend introduced me to this one;)

12. Under My Thumb – Rolling Stones (Pure sex)

13. Can I be Your Best Friend? – 50 Cent (Another of Dick and I’s inside jokes)

14. Blue and Yellow – The Used (Again, a hot one to hook up to)

15. Rehab – Rhianna (Good words, good breakup/hookup song)

16. You’re All I Need to Get By – Method Man and Mary J. Blige (Getting a little ghetto with it never hurt anyone)

17. If I Never See Your Face Again – Maroon 5 (Watch the video with Rhianna, hot!)

18. Won’t Go Home Without You – Maroon 5 (Let’s just say if Adam Levine sings this to me next time we hang out… I will not go home without him)

19. All We Are – One Republic (“We must say goodbye, we won’t break, we won’t die…”)

20. What For – Rooney (Gossip Girl got me on this one, I confess)

21. You’re a Wolf – Sea Wolf (Gossip Girl again! What can I say, their music producer is on top of their game)

22. Hands Down – Dashboard Confessional (Since I lost my virginity to Dick with this song it’s only appropriate)

Wow talk about overly emotional! I’m going to need to be drunk for this one.

Nobody needs 1.4 hours to have sex (ouch) but there’s always the pause function. I’m going to post more playlists in the coming weeks, feel free to leave your personal favorites in comments!

You Say He’s Just a Friend – Now Girl Let’s Not Pretend

Along with Dick, there’s another guy I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. My only straight best guy friend, Mitch. We’ve been platonic friends for 6 years. When we first met, we hooked up (kissing and an almost blowjob) but fell asleep due to drunkness right in the middle of it (classy, I know). The next week, Dick and I started dating and that was it, Mitch and I were just friends. We’ve had a blast together over the years, he makes me laugh so hard! He’s the quintessential “player,” and never had a girlfriend. I’ve always wondered if we would ever work, but I never had any indication that he wondered too. Until I got this text a few weeks ago, ” It’s crazy how two people can be this perfect for each other and never do anything about it.” Does it get any more clear than that?

Reasons we might be good for each other:

1. He makes me laugh so hard!

2. He’s a good guy when it comes down to it, and has always been there for me

3. He’s hot… and I’m attracted to him

Reasons we might not be good for each other:

1. He has no relationship experience and is probably not mature enough to handle my needs.

2. He lives in Chicago, which might as well be another world (although I have considered the possiblity of moving there in the distant future)

3. He might turn out to be a perpetual bachelor… and I am not looking for a friend with benefits

April thinks we need to just hook up and see what happens. She thinks nothing can really be determined until we see if there’s really romantic chemistry there along with our friendship. But sex ruins everything… and I don’t want our friendship to be ruined because I genuinely value it. Maybe we owe it to ourselves to at least try. Afterall we got over the first time and haven’t brought it up since.

I invited him on a mini trip over Labor Day that is still in talks. We both have plans to visit each other, it’s a matter of having the time off and extra money to make the trip. I guess we just have to wait to see what happens, but that’s so hard! What if the love of my life has been right in front of me this whole time? What if I am overanalyzing this and it’s really just a friendship that I’m hoping could be more? What if I really just miss Dick and I’m grasping at straws to find an alternative? I think April and I have concluded that nothing is going to be determined until he and I spend some time together.

My worst fear is that we could try to be more than friends and lose our friendship completely. Is it possible if you’re close enough with someone to move past an awkward relationship attempt? Although I can tell I’m getting ahead of myself here. Labor Day can’t come soon enough!

Rescue Calls

So I made the bad decision to see David again last night. Why do I do this to myself? I didn’t get as drunk this time, although unforunately I can’t say the same for David. He was drunk after 3 drinks, yet again. As soon as he gets drunk he has two favorite topics: the first is his weird thing with the cougar, and his feelings on it (is it bad that I really don’t care?) and the second is 80s metal and how he thinks it’s so great. And I’m being totally serious here. So it was at this point last night when I called April and asked her to do something I have never ever done on a date – make the rescue call! I had her call me and pretend to be my roommate, saying our power went out and I needed to come home. David didn’t quite understand when I told him I had to go home so my roommate wouldn’t be home alone when the electrician came to fix it. I insisted and we got into a cab, and I told him I’d drop him off at another bar on the way to my apartment so he could meet his friends.

Once we got into the cab, David got all touchy feely again. To me PDA is awkward in general, let alone with a driver in the car! But I was tipsy and kind of into it… we started kissing and he pushed me down into the seat and was on top of me. Then he started to pull my shirt down when I looked over to see a guy in an Explorer next to us in stopped traffic, absolutely cracking up. He pulled me on top of him, and reached down my shirt, and put my hand on his pants. Then he said, “You have the greatest tits I’ve ever seen in my life, I swear to God.” Way to sweep me off my feet there David! But hearing it never gets old.

I was more than relieved to drop him off at the bar and head home. I got home and changed, then ordered a pizza from my favorite little family place. A large one. When I got there, the guy said, “You having a party with your roommates tonight?” Um… no honey, that’s just for me. I said, “Oh yeah, my roommates and some friends, this pizza’s the best!” What the fuck? Is a girl not allowed to chow down on a large pizza after an awkward date? I got that bitch home and went to town, amazing what a bad date and four drinks can do to a pizza.

I fell asleep and missed a call from David, and then this morning I got texts from the fisherman boy. 6 texts. With no responses from me. Like get the point dude! I also missed a call from my ex. I’ll get back to that after a little backtracking to yesterday before my date with David.

I decided to spend the gorgeous day at the pool. I almost went to the Gansevoort, but let’s be honest – this body has had too much pizza to be there right now. I went to a random health club, but the pool was great. Unfortunately, I also discovered that men in New York think that they are European, and opt for the speedo. The only, and I mean ONLY man I have ever seen rock a speedo respectively is David Beckham. I mean the man looks good in a skirt so the speedo isn’t incredibly surprising. I got my tan on next to a couple women in their 30s. It was like observing Sex and the City, age appropriate and all! The first was talking about how her current boyfriend had kids, and his ex wife was 2 blocks away. And how she didn’t really know if he would ever want kids again with someone else. Then she said she just wanted to reach out and smack him and say, “Fuck it, I’m 34, you’re in your 30s, let’s just have kids together, you know?” It’s amazing how desperate women become in New York City. Not that there’s anything wrong with wanting children and wanting to settle down when you’re in you 30s, but it’s like women just panic and freak out. Then she told her friend she wanted to call him. Her friend said, “Yeah call him. But call his office, not his cell. Then he might think it’s an emergency and he’ll definitely call you back.”

If you are faking an emergency to get him to call you back, no wonder he doesn’t want children with you! Honestly, I know it seems like I am on the wrong side here, but come on. It makes me wonder if it’s difficult for women to fall in love here because it really is that difficult, or if it’s because women are really crazy. My boss told me that her friend started dating a guy she met randomly at the gym. I was really surprised and said I had never seen people chat it up before, and that must have been true fate! My boss then said that her friend had aggressively chased this guy into the locker room, gave him her number, and asked him out for a drink that night. If that’s the way dating works in this city, I’m not going to make it. Texting someone back is about as agressive as I get, looks like I’m doomed when it comes to finding love here!

Now back to Dick… I texted him back this morning, more than a little snotty. Lately I’ve had little to no sex drive. But getting on top of David in the cab last night made me get a little turned on. Just not for David… more for Dick. I miss him calling me baby. I miss cuddling in bed with our puppy. Why is it so hard to forget all the good parts of a relationship and so hard to ignore the bad? Especially when it was really bad?

Too bad you can’t get a rescue call to your brain!

The X-Files: I Guess it’s Really Over, Well Come Over, I’m Not Over It

Ugh… I have been totally dreading writing about this. My ex. Such an overtalked topic I know, so cliche. I’ve done my best to move on and ignore my patheticness but I’m afraid I’ve reached an all-time low… because he’s coming here in 3 weeks.

I’m going to give the absolute briefest background possible, because I am sick of hearing it come out of my own mouth. I can only imagine how annoying it might be to read. Feel free to scroll to end. Let’s call him… Dick. Dick and I went to high school and college together. He is 2 years older than me, and it started when he used to invite me and my friends out with him and his friends in high school. Hanging out with the older, hot boys in high school is about as cool as it gets at the age of 16. We always flirted, I would go visit him for weekends with my friends once he was in college. But things didn’t change until the summer after my senior year of high school.

One night I was out with April and our friend Liz. We had just picked up some alcohol and were planning on hanging out at Liz’s house while her parents were gone, when he called us. He invited us over to his friend Pete’s house, who lived on a lake and always had the best parties. He said we could sleep there, and when I asked April and Liz they were definitely up for it. We got there and started playing drinking games. Dick talked about how he broke up with his long-time girlfriend (who is my friend Lindsay, strange right?) Dick and I decided to run down to the beach and jump in the water. April, being the voice of reason, yelled at us to grow up and get out of the water. We got out, and Dick realized he forgot his shoes. April ran back to get them and he kissed me. In the moonlight, under the stars… I am totally not trying to sound completely lame but I actually can’t help it. It was the craziest feeling ever.

We hooked up for the rest of the night, literally like 6 hours. But I was still a virgin and determined to stay one until college. I told him that, and he was cool with it. When the sun came up, we ran around like crazy people waking everyone else up, in our own little world. We were oblivious to everyone else around us, and agreed to keep what had happened between the two of us… I didn’t even tell April when she asked.

As soon as I moved into my dorm room, I called him and told him I was there. He invited me and my roommate over to his fraternity house that night for a Welcome Week party. Basically where all the guys meet the new freshman and fuck them. Sure enough, my roommate had sex with his roommate that night, what are the chances? The next night we went over there again. While all of our other friends were out in the main room, we went into his room together. I just knew it was going to happen.

Suddenly I was so nervous, like shaky nervous. Neither of us were drunk at this point. I told him it would be my first time, and was he ok with that? He said yes, was it ok with me? And then we laid down on his couch, and did it. It killed for a few minutes, he kept asking if I was ok. It was just a crazy, weird, but such a good feeling. I remember thinking he and I would always be cool, no matter what happened. “Hands Down” by Dashboard Confessional was playing and to this day I get shivers when I hear it.

After that we were inseperable. But he got back with his ex… and my friend. Now they weren’t officially together, but had a lot of history. We kept what had happened between us a secret, and continued to see each other. Then I joined her sorority… it was so weird. He and I just decided to not see each other, and no one would get hurt. It didn’t work out that way, and one day he told her what happened. It was devastating for all of us. I should have seen at this point that he was a total dirtbag, someone that could not be trusted… after all, he betrayed a girl he loved for years with me, one of her friends. I regret it very much, and I’m not sure if it was the worst decision I’ve ever made, but it’s definitely up there.

He told me he was in love with me, and that’s why he had to tell Lindsay everything. I blew it off, I never wanted to talk to him again after it all came crashing down. But one day, my roommate and friend Liz called me crying. One of our best friend’s mothers had been diagnosed with cancer months before, and our friend had gotten a call to come home from school because she didn’t have long to live. Dick lived across the street from me at the time, and I called him, hysterical. I asked him to pick up some beer for Liz and I, because he was 21 and we weren’t. He was at work when we called, and he left to come meet us. I was so upset, and he knew all the right things to say. The way he was there for me made me think I could count on him.

We spent more and more time together after that, and a few weeks later I told him I loved him too. We barely left each other’s side for the next 3 years. He bought me a puppy, we made plans to get married, I thought we would always be together. I never knew it was possible to feel the way I did.

He cheated on me twice over those 3 years. Once with Lindsay (amazing that we’re friends, right? she said she did it more to spite me than actually wanting to sleep with him) and once with some random slut he knew through old high school friends (while I was with Mr. X at Bonnaroo). When I found out I was moving to New York, we decided to stay together. He considered moving here, I vowed to somehow make it all work. Soon after I moved, despite multiple visits back and forth, things began to fall apart. He quit calling me to say goodnight after nights out with his friends, he quit trying at all. I was always out for work events, I met Michael, it was all a mess and neither of us were happy. I confessed all my feelings about the relationship to 3 people, April, Lindsay, and one of my other best friends, Jessica.

Well somehow, Dick seemed to know everything about how I felt, everything about Michael. I knew April would never say anything, but there’s no way he could know what he knew unless someone was telling him. Lindsay and Jessica vehemently denied it of course. I had a feeling something happened with Jessica and Dick, but I asked them both and they flipped out on me, swearing up and down that it would never happen. I kept doubting them… mostly because before I left, the 3 of us messed around a little in what you might call a threesome. Again, maybe not the worst decision I’ve ever made, but it’s debatable. I thought it would be harmless… we were all friends, and on the border of being blacked out drunk. He and I had always had a very adventurous sex life and we both had never done it before. Call me crazy, but I trusted them.

When I went home for Christmas this past December, I told Dick I didn’t think we could save our relationship. I could tell he hadn’t cared for awhile, and I just kept losing confidence in our relationship. Instead of being more sure, I was less sure every day. It broke my heart to tell him that. We both cried for hours, and I told him I couldn’t stay the night at his house. It didn’t feel right. He told me he had something to tell me, and walked me out to my car. He got in and started smoking a cigarette… and told him that he and Jessica had been sleeping together since I left. They were meeting twice a week in hotel rooms. And she had forwarded him all of my emails to her.

Talk about fucking Karma! I went behind Lindsay’s back, Jessica practically stuck a meat cleaver in mine. I lost my boyfriend and one of my best friends in about 20 minutes. I was so shocked. I should have seen it coming. People don’t change. I convinced myself that how we had started dating was inevitable because our feelings were so strong, and I convinced myself that we were some sort of fairytale, immune to his pattern of behavior and fucked up way of thinking. I still haven’t spoken to Jessica, she denies it to this day.

I didn’t speak to Dick for 2 months. Then someone was murdered across the street from my apartment, and the murderer was on the loose for almost a week. My roomate was out of town, and I was terrified. I called him and asked him to come… to “protect me,” how ironic! I pushed what had happened out of my mind, determined to just hang out, the way we had before we ever dated. We ended up having a great weekend, but it was impossible not to see the writing on the wall. He wasn’t the person I fell in love with anymore, no matter how badly I wanted him to be.

Sometimes I hate him for what he did. Sometimes I miss him, miss the comfort he used to bring to me. I don’t know if I’ve forgiven him, it would be so much easier if I was moved on from it all. It’s easy to forgive someone once you’re happy. And I’ve tried, it’s just so hard to get involved with someone else when you have actually being in love to compare it to. Because a random guy you meet at the bar is just not going to measure up. And maybe it’s time to stop expecting it to. But being in New York City, which is questionably the most difficult place to fall in love, with the combination of wanting to fall in love again (which is so rare in the first place) is like torture. I see him having fun and being happy again, and it infuriates me because I feel like I’m the one who actually deserves to be happy, not him.

So what’s a girl to do? Let it go and ignore all calls and emails? Let us be casual friends on his terms? Is that even possible? Do I revisit the possibility of falling in love with him again? Is it worth trying to save something so fucked up? Can I help it? Will him coming here help me figure that out? April seems to think so.

His ticket is booked, we’ll see if he actually shows up. I haven’t spoken to him since last week when he confirmed. Maybe he will let me down yet again. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m overwhelmingly fucking stupid. I feel even dumber than when I couldn’t find New York on a map (I had it narrowed down to 3… and who the fuck cares about the rest of the state if you live in Manhattan!)

It’s amazing how if one of my friends were in this situation, I’d find it so simple. I would give balls of steel advice, tell her to dump the motherfucker forever, and find someone who appreciated her and wouldn’t dream of being such a d-bag. But it’s crazy how hard it is to take your own advice.

I’ve polled all of my friends that have had long-term, true love relationships. How do you ever get over someone for good? How do you know if you should get over them? When is it time to throw in the towel when it comes to trying? The general consensus is that for Dick and I, it’s motherfucking time to stop trying, throw in the towel, throw in the entire supply of towels at Bed Bath and Beyond. The best, and probably only way to truly get over someone, according to Liz, is to find someone else. My mother says one day I’ll realize that what Dick and I had was never really love, and I’ll see that when I meet the person I’m really meant to be with. I told her that I know for a fact I loved him, maybe he just didn’t truly love me.

While this topic can go on and be debated for hours, I’ve come to these conclusions:

1. You can’t force something to fall into place. According to my mother again, you only find love when you’re not looking for it. So while it would be lovely to get over Dick with another man, unfortunately all I can do is keep an open mind and let things happen.

2. You can’t change other people, only make the best of yourself. Work out, eat healthy, get looking fierce so that when things do fall into place, you’re ready for them. Looking good is the best revenge.

Totally cheesy I know. I can’t help it. Those might seem like common sense to most level-headed women, but if you’ve read any of my other posts, level-headed and practical probably isn’t how most people would describe me!

Now from someone more ridiculous than me, but some great advice and quite simply put:

“Be a better you!” – Perez Hilton

Last pep talk ever, I promise! Actually I don’t promise, this is my fucking blog and I needed that:)

Pretty (Fisher)Woman

Pretty Woman is on TV right now and I just could not be happier. I love this movie! Especially when Richard Gere is driving the Lotus through Beverly Hills and “King of Wishful Thinking” is playing! So the title to this post was almost Weird Men I Have Met in New York City vol. 2. Because there’s been a few more…

Today I went deep sea fishing – yeah that’s right, I’m a bad ass bitch! And I caught 8 fish! Not too bad, right? All Fluke. None keepers, New York requires 20 inches, New Jersey only 18! Who knew there were fish in the Hudson River? I even baited my own hook. But lets face it, the fish are never really what it’s about… it’s the fishermen!

So as soon as I stepped on to the boat, I see the most gorgeous guy… he helped me on the boat, part of the crew. I of course expressed my interest to my friends immediately, and they laughed and agreed. Two minutes later, he came over and started talking to me, which continued for the next 5 hours… full of sexual innuendo (hello, it’s a fishing trip, it’s full of sex jokes! for example, “oh, you’ve got a big one,” and “oh yeah baby, handle that rod!”). So I told him he should come out for a little after-fishing beer, and that I would really like to take a swim since it was so hot out. And surprise, his friend has a pool!

We waited for him after we docked and headed over to his friend’s pool, it was amazing! On the roof of his apartment, but I am totally burned and paying for it dearly now. One of the reasons I was so into this guy is that he was so aggressive, but once we got there he just kind of sat there like a … fish.

We headed out and got some dinner, so exhausted. And the bar where we went to get dinner is right across the street from our apartment, and also the location where I met yet another strange man. His name is Steven, the bartender of course. Ahhh, the help again! It just never stops! But he is such a doll… we talked about our dogs, he was so sweet. We texted all night and the next day, when I got this: “There’s just one problem… I’m kind of in a relationship.”

WHAT? You didn’t think this was relevant to tell me when you were telling me how you wanted to see me naked and have me come over? You didn’t think this was relevant to tell me when you were saying sweet dreams baby? Like come on! He then went on to say that he didn’t mean to lead me on, that the relationship had been bad for awhile so I guess I forgot about it. Blah blah fucking blah. It’s bad, I feel so sorry for you. Like what a pain in the ass! Way to waste a good 24 hours of my time crafting cute and coy text responses.

But there is a silver lining… we spent the night hanging out with Nole Marin from America’s Next Top Model! He is an absolute doll! And he talked to my mom for like 10 minutes at 2am, how cute is that? It totally made her sleepless night (thanks to me.) He invited me and Kristen to his party next week, I’ll make sure to take pictures!

Victoria Beckham: Major (Even When Allure Magazine Exhibits Trashy Journalism)

Now I know it is not up to me to jump to Victoria Beckham’s defense. But I was very excited to get my issue of Allure with one of my favorite fashion icons on the cover. Now personally, I have never met Victoria. However from all that I’ve heard from friends and interviews alike, I think she is quite misrepresented. Above all, I believe she is a dedicated wife, mother, and designer, along with being a great source of style inspiration. And she is hillarious! For anyone that hasn’t seen her “Coming to America” special, I highly recommend it. If not for Victoria, then for the “socialites” in Los Angeles. Socialites… yet another thing New York does better.

While all of this is just my opinion and probably irrelevant to most of you, I was shocked by Allure’s interview with Ms. Beckham. It may seem very ironic that I am calling out a reporter’s “ethics” or code of journalism, when I blog about blowjobs and making out with rock stars. But I want to take out a few lines dedicated to David DeNicolo’s questions:

DD: What do you weigh?

VB: That’s a bit personal. What’s your weight? I’m not going to ask you that. [Mr. DeNicolo notes that he told her twice.] I’m not going to tell you. I don’t want everyone knowing what my weight is.

DD: How do you feel about fat people? Is there an ick factor?

VB: That is an awful question. People have to be healthy. Some people can’t help being thin, some people can’t help being fat. People can’t help the way they look. I don’t like it when people are mean about me, so I’m not going to be mean about anyone else.

First of all, Mr. DeNicolo, a man telling a woman what he weighs is quite different from a woman being asked that question by a man. It is never appropriate to ask a woman that question, whether she is a celebrity or not. This question is not only completely uninteresting, it has nothing to do with what Allure claims to report on, fashion and beauty.

Furthermore, asking how she feels about fat people? Is this a serious question? How about how she feels about sleazy reporters? I’m sure there’s much more to say about that topic. This interview was completely disappointing and in my opinion, embarassing for Allure and Mr. DeNicolo. It’s unfortunate that the interview did not live up to the quality of the beautiful photographs by Michael Thompson. It pales in comparison to the wonderful story done by Elle a few months ago.

Apologies if this seems too dramatic and I promise this is as close as I will come to writing about politics. But in my narrow world of fashion, makeup, sex, rock and roll, and pop culture – this is offensive to me. Perez Hilton may draw alien antenna and coke noses, but even he doesn’t stoop to this level.

It’s All Happening! The First Installment of Backstage Adventures: Kid Rock

I love the fact that I am actually blogging in my bed right now, how appropriate! All I need is a bottle of liquor next to me, some cigarettes, and maybe a line on my chest and I would be seriously re-enacting history right about now! Kidding, of course;)

Let’s cut right to the chase, shall we? I’ve been a Kid Rock fan since high school, mostly since Adriana and I became inseperable. In case you’ve never read a previous post, Adriana is one of my besties, a girl after my own heart. We have birthdays 6 days apart, so we made it a tradition to catch a Kid Rock show every year as our present to each other. The first one was our freshman year of college, Adriana and I went to a show with her boyfriend at the time and her dad. Before you question that, you should know that Adriana’s dad regularly rocks out to the Kid and was even inspired by him to “trick out” his Hummer.

Adriana’s dad got the hookup with 5th row tickets, and it was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. I think the huge white fur coat drew me in. Or maybe the pyrotechnics… or maybe the song “Rock and Roll.” Either way, we had an amazing time. I had met several other rock stars at this point (another post) but I knew we weren’t getting backstage with Adriana’s boyfriend and dad. We went back to school with a cheap beer buzz, singing the songs the whole way home.

The following year, Adriana and I had a falling out. We were supposed to live together, but after a particularly colorful fight with my ex at Adriana’s birthday party, she backed out of our living agreement. She said she didn’t want to lose me as a friend over guy drama, like she had with a previous roommate. In retrospect, she was probably right, but of course I didn’t see it at the time and went almost a year without speaking to her. One random summer day, she left me her 500th voicemail, saying she missed me and wanted to make things ok again. And she wouldn’t still be calling if she didn’t care about me. And that Kid Rock would be in town by her family’s summer home. I finally called her back.

We made plans to go to the show. We stayed for a few days at her summer house, just relaxing and carefully planning our outfitts. I had broken my foot a few weeks before this, but I absolutely refused to wear my cast. I mean fuck, that would ruin all chances of meeting the band! I wore a black Juicy dress, low cut of course. Adriana wore a yellow satin tank and jeans. We both tried to puff up our hair and lips, basically go for the Pamela Anderson look. We succeeded.

Everyone at the show was… well white trash. More the women than the men – I can’t complain, because it worked in our favor. We chatted our way to the front, where I saw a roadie setting up backstage, wearing a t-shirt from my college. I pointed this out to Adriana, and when the roadie and I made eye-contact, I waved him over. I asked him if he went to our school since he was wearing the shirt (even though he was way too old to be a student and I knew this, it was my method of flattery – and it worked) and he just laughed. He said he was way too old to be in college, and didn’t go there, a friend bought him the shirt. I told him that I had to go to the bathroom really bad, but I didn’t want to walk all the way to the top of the hill (outdoor venue) to the bathrooms because my foot was broken. Shockingly, I was telling the truth! He asked where my cast was, but I told him it didn’t go with my outfit.

Kindly, he brought me backstage to use the bathroom… on Kid Rock’s tour bus! He flirted a bit with me, gave me two Coors Lights for me and my partner in crime, and walked me back to the show. Adriana and I sipped our beers and waited for the show to start. This would be a good time to mention that Adriana’s parents came to the show too, but were at the top of the hill with some of their friends. The venue was close enough to their home that we could just walk back.

Before the show started, a man came from back stage up to Adriana and I, and said, “Who are you with?” We were confused by the question, and said, “Each other…?” He said, “Good. Kid wants to see you after the show. Here are your passes. I’ll come get you when the show is over.” Adriana and I could not believe our luck. We rocked out during the show, and when it ended we could barely contain our excitement.

Sure enough, the man who gave us the passes came and got us, along with the original roadie who took me to the bathroom. We walked back towards the hotel connected to the venue, and on our way there was a huge tent where people were partying. We assumed we’d be going there, to the meet and greet or afterparty, or whatever it was. We started walking towards the tent, and the men stopped us. They said, “Your passes say BG – that’s Bob’s Guest. You’re coming to his party.”

They walked us into the hotel, and after we passed security a few times, a woman who worked at the hotel took us into a huge ballroom… she looked at us and said, “Oh… you girls got the ass pass.” We just laughed, confused about why we were sitting in a huge ballroom covered in crystal by ourselves. We walked over to a small area, where there was one bottle of Grey Goose, one pizza, a case of Coors Light, and a few 12-packs of Coke. Clearly this was not going to be a big party…

We each got a beer and sat down. Then the strippers dancing during the show came in and shot us death looks. We assumed they were there to hang out, and we assumed wrong. One of them looked at Adriana and said, “Who are you? I’m here to get paid, and get the fuck out of here.” What did we do to deserve such a thorny welcome? The girls left about 10 minutes later, when someone came in and gave them their money.

About 5 minutes after that, Bob came in with the band. He came up to us, and I shook his hand and introduced myself. He was so normal, wearing Adidas pants and a white tank top. I felt like he was my neighbor or something. He went to shake Adriana’s hand, and she wrapped him in a big hug. It was hillarious! We all sat at a round table, and had a few beers. I wanted a cigarette, and whispered this to Adriana. Bob heard me and yelled, “Handsome Sam! Go get the girl some cigarettes!” And whoever Handsome Sam was ran off to accomodate my addiction! We were having the best time… all of the guests staying on the first floor of the hotel were re-routed though the second floor, and no one was allowed to walk near the area we were in.

That is until Adriana’s dad came storming though the doors, escorted by 5 police officers, screaming, “That’s my daughter! Let me go!” I am not even joking here people. He came over to Adriana and I and said, “Girls, let’s go! I have to wake up early tomorrow!” Talk about embarassing. Seriously, are there words? Bob started cracking up, said hi to Adriana’s dad, and we left… but not before I got the roadie’s number.

The following winter, the Superbowl was hosted in Detroit. Kid Rock set up 2 or 3 shows for the weekend, and I called the roadie to get hooked up with some passes. He wasn’t going to be at the show, but knew people who would be, and arranged 4 passes for me. Adriana couldn’t go, and stupidly, I brought my ex, along with Lindsay and her boyfriend at the time. My ex and Lindsay’s boyfriend were wasted within the first 30 minutes, before the show even started. Lindsay and I ditched them, since we were surrounded by famous people and didn’t want to be embarassed. We went to the bathroom, and ran into Jenna Jameson. The Jenna Jameson. I whispered to Lindsay, “Holy shit, is that Jenna?” Jenna came out of the stall laughing, and talked to us for 10 minutes. She was the absolute sweeest to us, took pictures with us, and danced with us the rest of the night.

While we were dancing to Cowboy, my brilliant ex started screaming “Slut” at me. One of the security guards thought he was talking to Jenna, and threw him out on his ass. I refused to leave with him, I was having a great time, why should I have to leave because he was an asshole? The night ended up an absolute shit-fest, Lindsay and I searching all night over the city of Detroit for my ex. He ended up crawling into bed at 5am covered in blood and writing. Talk about a mess! I caught up with Bob before we left for the night, and we made plans for the night after… now those details will remain under lock and key my friends;)

A few weeks ago, Adriana came to New York for the Kid Rock show at Madison Square Garden. We got Bob’s regular MSG seats, courtesy of Mr. X actually, and the show was amazing, as usual. Rev Run was there, with J. Giles. I emailed Bob’s DJ, Paradime, to get the after-show details. The afterparty was at Wildwood Barbeque, but Adriana and I skipped out and met some random undercover officers to have chicken strips and mozzarella sticks at the 24 hour diner with – gotta keep it elegant, you know?

“I’ll rock you baby all night long, then I gotta roll!”

A certain someone and I….  Censored of course! Hahaha

Is it Really Making a Mistake if You’ve Done it Already in the Past?

This post is specifically dedicated to one of my favorite topics – revisiting a past hookup/relationship. It happens whenever you’re bored and maybe feeling nostalgic, and this is the way it usually goes in my head: “I’ve already dated him once/fucked him so it’s not really a big deal if I do it one more time.” April agrees… her way of thinking is that you aren’t adding another failed relationship/bad date/number to your sex roster so you might as well.

Well hillarious as it may sound, I picked from the higher end of April’s WEIRDNESS METER and decided to go out with David last night. I won’t say it is the best decision I’ve ever made… but he and I did have a lot of fun together back in February. Plus I was bored to tears. He suggested going out in the village, I agreed to meet him there. He looked good… I’m not going to lie. But I looked better. I had on a yellow tank and jeans, with a beige little summer scarf. First conversation after he got us drinks:

David: Why are you wearing a scarf… it’s the middle of summer.

Me: Scarves are fierce.

David: THOSE (stares at my boobs) are fierce. I’m about to rip that off you.

What can I say, I’m a sucker for romance. We did a little bar hopping, made fun of people, he tried to PDA with me – which I hate. I hate being those kids that make other people think “GET A ROOM!” I gave in and kissed him a little bit. The main problem with David is that he doesn’t have much of a tolerance for alcohol. Now since the majority of men I’ve dated have been borderline alcoholics, this is slightly annoying to me. He actually texted me last night that he threw up. And we had like maybe 5 drinks each. After the last bar, we decided to get some pizza and head home. But to which apartment? His in the East Village or mine on the Upper East Side?

I told him he could come over. He said he couldn’t because his MOM was coming to his place around 1, and he didn’t want to have to wake up early and rush home. I used the “I don’t have my contacts” excuse, and said I didn’t want to have to rush out of his apartment in fear of his MOM walking in and seeing me in bed with her son. I’m too old to do the walk of shame, after college it is just unacceptable and uncomfortable. The idea of putting on heels and a halter top at 10 am with mascara all over my face and a hangover makes me nauseous.

He protested for like 20 minutes until I literally threw myself into a cab. We texted a bit and promised to hang out soon. I almost met up with Timothy but decided to pass… I was losing my buzz and not in the mood to get my breasts eye fucked for another couple hours. My ex had called me 3 times while I was out, and left a completely uninteligable voicemail. I called him back, worried that something could be wrong (not really worried, more just curious.) I got a text this morning, inviting me to a wedding and asking me to bring him a new pair of the sandals he bought last time he was here, because they broke at a bachelor party last night. Yeah fucker, buying you shit and doing you favors is at the TOP of my list of priorities.

I will be home in his neck of the woods in one month, and one day. I haven’t decided yet how things will go down… I know I have complete control over the situation, but I am doubting my abilities to make a good decision.

Back to David… April says I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s just having fun. I am enjoying myself, true, I just worry that I am leading him on, because I know he is into me. Maybe more into me than I’m into him. Plus there’s another thing… David had sexual issues when we attempted to hook up. Yes he was drunk, blah blah. My ex made me pretty demanding when it comes to sex, because he would be so drunk he couldn’t speak yet would still be able to fuck me into satisfaction. Let’s just say out of all of our problems, not one of them existed in the bedroom. Now I understand that all men aren’t hung like a horse and that they all don’t have exceptional stamina and power over whiskey dick. But those men aren’t really the ones I see myself dating. Is that wrong?

Now David and I have a couple mutual friends, including a married couple (let’s call them Pam and Tommy.) Well Pam and Tommy were trying to fix me up with a friend of theirs that plays for the New York Rangers hockey team, and we went to see a New York Islanders/New York Rangers hockey game. After a couple beers, Pam and I started telling stories, and I told her what happened when David and I tried to hook up. She laughed and promised to never talk about it with him.

Last night David got a text from Pam, and confessed to me that they have been having an affair. Although they haven’t had sex (supposedly), Pam has been going to see David on Tuesdays, because that’s when her husband is at work. Now Pam is beautiful, but quite the slut. Tommy knows she fucks other guys, but not on a regular basis… and not guys that are 30 years younger than him. He’s fine with the occasional rock star, but I think if he knew about David he’d flip.

On a funnier note, two days ago Pam fucked Bret Michaels! Pam has a history with a lot of rockers, and had the backstage hookup. Big John (Bret’s security) had Pam put her name in a book with about 400 other groupies in case Bret wanted to get in touch next time he was in town. Bret sat down in his tour bus, pulled out a condom, and Pam hopped on it. The two funniest parts of this:

1. When she first got on top of him, he let out this rediculous, low moaning noise, that I think you would have to hear to believe

2. She kept trying to grab his head/neck while they were going at it, and he kept dodging her hands – he didn’t want her to rip out those classy extensions!

 

So after all that… I’ve come to several conclusions:

1. David is cougaring it up with a married woman

2. I’m re-entering the world of horribleness with my ex

And finally… i think it’s still a mistake, even if you’ve done it already in the past… but hopefully, no one’s keeping track;)

Sugar Daddies and the “Would Be” Sugar Daddy

Many New York women give up on meeting Mr. Right and look for Mr. Rich. He may be old, unattractive, boring, but he always has one very important quality – a big, fat, huge, always ready… AMEX. Now I myself haven’t given up on love just yet… but in the meantime, until that comes along, I wouldn’t mind a little sugar. That is, until Mr. X completely turned me off the idea…

This post is specifically inspired by a particular man, let’s call him Mr. X. When I first met Mr. X, I was quite the damsel in distress. One of my best friends (Lindsay) and I decided to take the trip to Bonnaroo in Tenessee to check out the scene and hang out with some friends of ours playing there (don’t get your panties in a twist, I’ll post about all that later;)

 We left around 2am, drove through the night and got in Tenessee sometime in the early afternoon. We stopped at a gas station to refresh (sexy, I know) and showed up at the venue. The time before when we went, the band had a hotel room and we met them at the hotel, then rode into the venue on the tour bus. This time they were on tour so they flew in, and didn’t have a bus. Lindsay talked to Yel (the bass player), and he said our passes were at the Holiday Inn artist check-in. Before you start thinking we are ghetto and into Holiday Inns, you should know that Bonnaroo is in Manchester… in other words, BFE (butt fucking Egypt) and Waffle Houses and Holiday Inns are straight up luxury. We got to the artist check-in, and big surprise – the passes weren’t the right ones. Some dinky little bracelets, rather than the all-access passes we would need.

 We decided to figure it out later, head over and try to catch up with the band or at least one of their assistants. When we got there, we were told over and over that we weren’t allowed backstage without proper credentials, and we couldn’t get ahold of Chris (Chris doesn’t get a code name because he’s a douchebag). It was miserably hot as fuck, so we ducked into a split in the wooden fence seperating backstage from the general area. We sat beneath a tree, near one of the band’s trailers, hoping we could stay there in the shade until we figured everything out. Long story short, Mr. X came up to Lindsay and I, all-access pass blazing. He brought us some cold beer and cigarettes and we started talking. He promised to bring us along and get us some passes so we wouldn’t have to worry about finding the band.

 We caught up with the band, watched the show, and then afterwards they had to fly back to California or something for the next show on their tour. Mr. X offered his hotel room. I didn’t have to deal with any of his bullshit because I was horribly missing my boyfriend and kept talking about him – Mr. X got the idea thankfully, although he insisted that my boyfriend was definitely cheating on me. It turns out he was.

 Mr. X texted Lindsay and I the whole way back home, telling us to just stop at the closest airport and he’d fly us back to hang out. We considered, but I wanted to get home to my cheating-liar-son of a bitch-boyfriend. He continued to text us for weeks after, until I got a call from his live-in girlfriend/fiancee/whatever. She said she pays their cell phone bills, and read all the texts. Then she tricked me with some dumb question, which obviously showed that he was lying because he told her I was someone’s cousin. Someone named Dennis’s cousin – hello, I’m Italian, I have no cousins named DENNIS. Thanks for the heads up Mr. X!

 I told the girlfriend that nothing happened, we met, and that was it, and I was sorry about what she was going through but had nothing to worry about. Mr. X quit talking to us after that. I texted him when I found out I was moving to New York, because I knew he lived there. I had 2 weeks to find an apartment and wanted any help I could find. He never responded.

 I went for a year without talking to Mr. X in New York. Until a band I wanted to meet was coming to town…. I knew Mr. X was hooked up, and after a quick consultation with Lindsay I decided to reach out. Mr. X and I had the quick catch up, that is until he asked me to send “some pics.” Let’s just get this straight – nothing, and I mean nothing, is creepier when a guy asks for a girl to send him “pics.” Sick. I cut the conversation off and that was that. Sure enough, next night I get a text saying he has courtside seats for the Knicks, am I up for it? I called his bluff and said sure, I’d meet him there. Sure enough, I showed up and the seats were phenomenal… I met him and his business partner, along with a new act they were trying to sign. After the game we went to the Palace Hotel, had about 6 martinis, some truffle fries (yum) and then some other random bar to check out a band. His business partner took me home and it was a great night. Of course I payed for nothing… maybe Mr. X was a good sugar daddy option after all!

 A couple weeks later, I was moving into a new apartment. Mr. X offered to pay for my movers, but the guy he had used in the past was no longer in business. I insisted I was going to do it myself. The day after move in, I had to go to IKEA to get some furniture and apartment stuff… Mr. X showed up bright and early, and took Kristen and I to IKEA. He payed for everything ($1000 +), and put it all together. I couldn’t believe how sweet it was. He admitted later that he did it out of guilt, because he got my text message over a year ago asking for help finding an apartment and he deleted it, pissed off because of the girlfriend drama. I accepted his $$ - i mean his apology!

 That night he tried to hook up with both me and my roommate. Now after his admission of ignoring my text, and helping me with all my furniture, I assumed we were even. Not so according to him – but when he pulled out his penis and tried to jump on top of me in my bed I wanted to close my eyes and have it go away. He eventually left, thank God.

 To this day, Mr. X texts and IMs me with promises of new Christian Louboutin shoes. It’s tempting, but not worth it. There’s gifts, and then there’s being a whore. And then there’s being a whore with a dirty old man.

 Moral of the story, to take a line from one of my favorites (8 Mile): “Jimmy – free comes with a dick up your ass.”

April’s Suggestion: A list of weird men I have met in New York City

Keep in mind all of these names (in every blog) have been changed – while these men are hardly innocent, I am:)

As April so kindly informed me, I attract “weird people” – see previous post! Well this post will be a nod to the men especially. I used to watch Sex and the City and think how those men couldn’t actually exist (watch episode titled “Are all men freaks?”) Where Miranda said “It’s Darwinian, they’re being weeded out.” I always thought Miranda was totally mannish and weird and that the problem was HER. Not so, I’m afraid. Although the freaks I’ve met haven’t exactly had the problems as the men in that episode, (real New York women would probably not complain about “Mitch Sailor – Mr. Pussy”) I have certainly met some interesting ones.

They aren’t all bad and perhaps I am overreacting in some cases… and of course, everything in life is a “learning experience.” Please. Nobody believes that shit! Without further ado…

1. Timothy:

Timothy and I worked at the same company when I first moved to New York. Different departments of course, but he always found a way to stop by and make conversation. On my first Friday, the beer cart came rolling around – in New York, in most industries, drinking starts in the office around 3pm on Friday afternoons… at least I think so. Timothy joined me in my office and we proceeded to have several – okay, many – beers. We then took the party to the bar, where I can’t even say how many drinks followed. Perhaps if I remembered more there wouldn’t even be this story to tell. Save the lectures people, I’m young and blacking out is a standard part of life as far as I’m concerned.

Now Timothy’s facebook said “In a Relationship,” however Timothy’s actions said otherwise. Flirting all night, not speaking to anyone on the phone between 3pm and past midnight I’m assuming. Paying for our drinks, taking me home, sitting on my bed… you get the idea. Here it gets foggy, but I woke up in a pair of underwear ready to throw up. I panicked, called him (his number was somehow in my phone) and began to freak out. He assured me that nothing happened, that I was drunk so he waited til I fell asleep and left.

I believe him of course. He is afterall one of the rare “good guys” I’ve met here. You know, good guys always take home their coworkers and get them into bed wearing only their panties.

Timothy and I are actually still friends, and have had several similar encounters. All have remained fully clothed, and all have been similarly flirtatious and suggestive.

APRIL’S WEIRDNESS METER: 2 out of 10

2. Michael:

I met Michael at the bar one night, courtesy of my roommate Kristen’s saucy behavior. Kristen, like Britney in previous post, has the potential to get very drunk, very easily. On an occasion or two, I have had the great pleasure of taking care of her while she throws up and gets sloppy. Luckily the first time this happened, I had Michael’s help. He helped me carry her out of the bar, and stood on the curb while she threw up into the street. I assured him we were fine, and could be left alone.

I should probably mention that he worked at said bar. What can I say, I have a thing for the help. He promised that it happened all the time and wouldn’t even remember it if we came back because it was a such a common occurrence. Well he remembered when we came back the next week. I was completely taken with his humor on the situation, and we began talking, flirting, you know the deal. Well Kristen and I got wasted several weeks later at the same bar, and she went up to him and said these exact words: “Do you want to fuck my friend or not?”

So much for subtlety. He said yes. Obviously. And then went on to say that I was too drunk, and wasn’t sure it was a good idea. That was before he had a few shift shots of whiskey and was suddenly all about it. So he came over, we took a cab to my apartment and of course I remember nothing of our conversation on the way there. We went on to fuck that night and then on several other nights. It wasn’t particularly enjoyable, think bar smell, hairy chest and hairy everything (sorry to be so graphic)- but it was there, available. Not some of my proudest moments, but not something I’m ashamed of exactly.

APRIL’S WEIRDNESS METER: 5 out of 10 (these 5 points I think are coming from the “artist” factor or perhaps the text I got saying he was making a popsicle in Harlem)

3. David:

At the bar Michael works at, I met another guy named David. For some reason David was instantly taken with me, and while I was wrangling in Kristen (can I blame her for Michael and David?) he struck up the conversation. Now I can’t blame him for being fascinated with me, I mean come on, I’m used to it – and he was good looking. Had a very rocker edge to him, which I like. We walked back to his apartment, along with Kristen and a friend of his, and his apartment was empty. Strange. We kissed, and then Kristen ran out and I went to chase her.

The next day we looked him up on Facebook to find a disturbing photo as his profile picture. Needless to say, that was the end of that.

The end of that of course until we ran into each other again. Kristen suggested he take me out to dinner, which he did. We had a great time. He was very funny, which is pretty much my only requirement of a man other than a job. We started hanging out a lot, he made it clear he was looking for a relationship, and I wanted to give it a chance. I was fresh out of a breakup (different blog post entirely, or perhaps never, I haven’t decided yet) and needed to distract myself. Plus, I liked him and was having fun.

Valentine’s day was quickly approaching, and we hinted around the fact that we would hook up for the first time on Valentine’s day. Well it seemed like too much pressure. We went out the weekend before, got drunk, went back to my apartment and started messing around… and then nothing. It just… never happened. I was disappointed to say the least and started worrying if maybe I wasn’t ready for something new after all. He called me the next day about our Valentine’s Day plans and I made something up and blew him off. We haven’t really talked since.

APRIL’S WEIRDNESS METER: 7 out of 10

4. Matthew:

This is the funniest of them all in my opinion. Kristen and I were walking down the street, very tipsy, after a night at the bars, on our way to another bar. A random, good looking guy came up to us, and asked us where we were headed – we told him, and he invited us up to his apartment for a drink. Now don’t even ask me why, but we decided it was a brilliant idea!

Fortunately, Matthew was not a freak (unless you count the fact that he took off his pants and was wearing a pair of bikini briefs in the colors of a French flag or something). He wasn’t a freak meaning he wasn’t an axe murderer. Kristen started talking to Matthew’s roommate, who showed her his driver’s license to prove that he used to “look like Jesus.” I talked to Matthew briefly a few times after this night, he was a good kisser.

I am not asking April’s opinion on this one, it’s CLEARLY a 10 out of 10!

5. Charlie:

Charlie was a friend of some of my close friends living in Chicago. According to my friends, he was a very nice guy, exact quote “definitely not a dick.” I figured that was a good start. We found out that we actually went to the same college and worked in the same New York building. Definitely a coincidence (or fate of course if we had hit it off.)

We met for drinks, my first impression was that he was very cute, but shy and almost seemed gay. We had a good time, lots to talk about but the conversation was somewhat forced. I was left not really knowing if he had a good time, but I enjoyed myself. I didn’t feel much of a connection but he was a nice guy and that was something I was looking for.

We hung out a few more times, he never once hit on me or so much as flirted, yet reported back to my friends that he was really interested. I should say that I prefer when men are aggressive, and at least make it known if they’re interested. When it comes down to it, he was nice but that’s about it.

APRIL’S WEIRDNESS METER: I didn’t ask, but I think it’s pretty low. I gave him a shot, it didn’t work out.

6. Brad:

One of my personal favorites. Brad seemed like a winner from the very beginning. Friends with the same friends who set me up with Charlie, yet I got the chance to Facebook stalk him before we met. He was an Ivy leaguer, worked at a top investment firm, and very very good looking. Came highly recommended, and I was excited to hang out with him. I ended up getting Knicks tickets, and invited him to a game. He accepted, and I gave him my number with the intention of seeing him for the game.

Hours before the game, I hadn’t heard from him and I got a Facebook message, NOT A PHONE CALL, which should have been an indication of his weirdness, that he couldn’t make it because he had to go into work. Who the fuck goes into work on a Sunday night? Needless to say I was pissed. I took Kristen and ended up seeing Michael that night.

Well the next day I was on the treadmill at the gym working this ass out and across the screen came breaking news of Brad’s company being bought out. Basically thousands were losing jobs at his company and I was pissed because he couldn’t come to a Knicks game? How selfish of me! He sent me a message that week telling me what happened, and how could he make it up to me? I was at this point feeling awful and feeling very understanding of poor Brad.

He invited me out for drinks with his coworkers – well sort of invited me. He asked me to come, then said he was too drunk, and we should do it another night. I was fed up and told him if he changed his mind, I was up for it. He then asked me to get to the bar and be his beer pong partner. I got there, and introduced myself to his friends/coworkers. The asshole barely spoke a word to me. I have no idea why, I’m sure he was drunk but I mean come on! His coworkers were so sweet, and thank God I am a gorgeous social butterfly because otherwise, talk about an awkward situation! Brad is clearly a D Bag with no skills – beer pong or otherwise. Plus he was short.

At the end of the night he started talking to one of his manly looking female coworkers who told me she was like a soccer player or something equally lesbionic and I swear to God I heard “I do like you!” or something like that. I told his coworkers that we had actually never met before that night and it was nice to get to know them. They started cracking up and told Brad he was a jerk and that he should bring me around more often. As long as everyone else sees it! Hopefully Brad is having fun playing with the soccer player’s penis, because I never heard from him again.

APRIL’S WEIRDNESS METER: Not applicable. Clearly a motherfucking 20 out of 10.

7. Jonathan

I almost don’t even want to put a code name on this one because it is hillarious. Jonathan I met through eHarmony. Before you crucify me… April and I decided to do eHarmony on a boring weekend and on an optimistic day where we decided we had nothing to lose. At least we could get a couple free meals out of it! And it’s turned out relatively well for her, different post though.

So we started talking, and he asked me out for drinks. We met, and he was surprisingly good looking. And funny. And we had a great first date. Laughed over trivia, ended at the 24 hour diner with eggs and hash browns. He walked me to my door, we had the awkward kiss where he said “Sorry… I had to. I would have been pissed all night if I didn’t.” Hello – adorable.

So the next weekend Adriana was in town. Obviously I was not going to share our time with him, we never see each other and she came in town specifically to see me. I didn’t think it was fair to her to invite him out and to be honest I was just in the mood for a girl’s weekend.

She left, and that Monday, Kristen and I were in our new, cable-less apartment. And it was the Gossip Girl season finale. Again, another post, but I’m obsessed. I called him and asked him if we could come over and watch, and he was a doll and said of course. We had a great time, I took some wine over, and we made plans for a few days later. Well I forgot that the cable people were coming, and I wasn’t going to leave Kristen with a stranger in our apartment. He got all whiny and said he couldn’t come over.

The next day, he said he was going out of town, but “I could call him too you know.” Blah blah. It is my true belief that men should be putting all the effort in for the relationship, especially in the beginning. I will not be calling you, so let’s get that clear.

Well needless to say I didn’t make the effort, and while we had a few more mindless conversations, I realized he enjoyed talking about himself more than anything else. He is a photographer, an “artist,” and had the ego to go with it. Without the Nigel Barker looks to go with it. Snooze. Plus he is on AOL Instant Messenger all day and when you don’t have a reason to be on it (reason like communicating with co-workers) it’s kind of gay. Plus his away messages (yeah I didn’t know people made away messages after graduating from high school either) could constitute another post, full of douchy comments like “Girl walking down the street made me happy in my pants.” Seriously cringe-worthy.

APRIL’S WEIRDNESS METER: 6 out of 10 – I digress on this one, I think it’s higher, if not only for the fact that it’s eHarmony!

There’s another but I’ll save it for a new post because it’s somewhat ongoing (at least I think it is but who knows!) Hopefully all men are not freaks although the above is definitely evidence to the contrary:)