Did You Miss Me?

This blog is so long overdue… but the true fact is that I just returned from the UK and have been crazy busy trying to catch up with life! And soooo much happened on the trip, oh my lord! Quickly, before I get into explanations… I am over Dick. Operation “getting over a breakup” successful!

I got home, and the next day got my hair done… I should mention my stylist is my ex-boyfriends girlfriend… or should I say… fiance? They are getting married! I was genuinely happy for them, but it truly is an end of an era. It made me really realize that the past is far over. That night I met up with my dear friend Jackie. She and I went over to Dick’s, so we could see his new place and have a few drinks. It was wonderful to catch up with her and she plans to come here in a few weeks so that will probably be a crazy blog post!

The next night Dick and I went out to dinner, and then went back to his place for a little midnight swim… we had some wine, some amazing sex, and then I talked to his parents for awhile once he fell asleep. It was a good night… but after I could just tell things were different. The only time Dick and I were really having a great time was while we were having sex. Dinner was bland… he was on his phone the entire time. He had nothing to really add to conversation and had a blase attitude the whole time.

The next night I went out with Jackie and my friend Roberta. We went out with some more of my “friends” in a band and checked out their show – another for Backstage Adventures! We had an absolutely incredible time, lots of flirting and hanging out with rockstars, you know, the usual! Afterwards we decided to go to the bar that some of my old schoolmates were at. I talked to my friend Tony, who was on his way home, but turned back around to meet us. Tony and I talk a lot, and we’ve always been very attracted to each other, but in other relationships.

The bar was fun, Roberta met a guy and went home with him, and Jackie was too tired to stay out. I went back to Tony’s with some of the boys, we went for a swim, and then the others went home. Tony and i started fooling around, and ended up having sex. It was fun, but is anything really great when you’re shitfaced? Well, yeah Steven was. Anyways we finished and as he drove me home I asked him to keep it quiet. He asked me if I was already having regrets and I said no, but I don’t like everyone knowing my business. That’s what I have my blog for!

Next night I went out with Dick, my brother, and a bunch of others. We went to the bar and of course ran into the entire world. I would say we knew 99% of the people in the bar, per usual. Dick and I started arguing, and left to get pizza. We ate, and then my wonderful Adriana picked us up and took us back to his house. The next day I had a family wedding to attend.

I got home, and started getting ready for the wedding, and the dress I was planning on wearing wouldn’t zip up. I was about to cry. I am now on a full fitness and diet plan, I need to stop being complacent and getting into better shape!

The wedding was beautiful and now I had to head back. The trip was nice, but if anything I realized Dick is still the same… the same as he was when I realized I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He’s so happy and content living in the world I’ve left behind, and I just want more. I feel like I’ve gotten him out of my system. I haven’t thought about him much this past week at all actually. And I can’t wait to go out tonight and find someone new.

I met up with Steven quickly today, and he is a doll. So sweet and there’s just something about him… also, Jack called me last night. I texted him today, saying to let me know if he’s doing anything fun. Amazing that for once, on the most unlikely weekend, we are both in town!

This weekend will probably be another like the 4th of July, where the crowd sucks and the city is dead. Unfortunately, the hurricane in the south halted my plans. Guess I’ll just have to wear white all weekend and get that out of my system as fast as I did Dick. And I’ll be here for the US Open of course. And how could I forget the premiere of my favorite show of all time, Gossip Girl (!) on Monday! Perhaps staying in the city won’t be quite so bad. And I am very hopeful for fall:)

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Lydia Hearst vs. Paris (no last name needed): Try As You Might, You Just Can’t Keep a Bad Girl Down

So let me start by saying the shining beacon of light on my sad, depressing Sunday without Dick, is my New York Post. It’s my Sunday tradition, and the only paper I really read besides Womens Wear Daily. The Times is full of too much liberal propoganda, Daily News is just dull, and the Post has Page Six. Better yet, Page Six Magazine! Which thank God comes out every week. I hardly ever have time to read magazines but I think this is one of the best written. The articles are so interesting, and very different from others that I read. With the exception of “The Hearst Chronicles,” written by “socialite/model/heiress” Lydia Hearst.

Now I know I promised in my last post about Victoria Beckham that I wouldn’t get political, but I honestly can’t help myself. I haven’t met Lydia, so I have no idea what she’s actually like as a person. But anyone who would write a column like this, in all seriousness, has got to be kidding. I usually just skip over it, but while Dick was watching golf today, I decided to read. There is a photo of her in some lacy red lingerie, with a quote, “You may have seen my new campaign for British lingerie company Myla, which has spawned a bit of mudslinging on the Internet about how I’m Paris Hilton. (Remember: i am a supermodel and I have the award to prove it, and she is a celebrity. There’s no comparison.)

There is no comparison, that’s one correct statement. Lydia, you are not a supermodel. Lord only knows what “award” you think validates the fact that you’re referring to yourself in the company of Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss, and Gisele Bundchen. Supermodels are models that people have actually heard of, models that are well known and internationally recognized. Not models that have to dress in lingerie to get attention. They’ve both modeled for Heatherette, been on European Vogue covers, designed hideous handbags, experimented in journalism, dabbled in acting, and whored around town. In fact, you might say Paris has come out on top in all those categories.

She’s modeled in more campaigns, even for her own brands of perfume, handbags, and jewelery.

She’s designed more handbags, and although quite tacky, just as bad as the Puma bags Lydia designed.

She’s actually written a book or two, rather than a weekly column.

She’s been in several movies, rather than a 2 minute clip on Gossip Girl (being another Chuck Bass victim – and let’s face it, he’ll fuck anyone).

I’m aware Paris is hardly a role-model, and certainly not someone who needs defending. But the only thing more pathetic than acting like Paris, is dropping Paris’s name for publicity.

I’m Busy Mindfucking You

Dick is gone. He came Friday, as expected, although his flight was canceled and he had to fly into White Plains. Wherever that is, it’s only about 40 mins from the city. I’m staring right now at our half full glasses of vodka and my feelings are all over the place. In one sense, I miss him so incredibly much and want nothing more than for him to be back here. In another, I know we are doing the right thing not being together.

I think one of the reasons for all the emotional-ness is the fact that I can’t seem to say goodbye. Always, my whole life, I’ve struggled with people leaving. Even my friends as a kid, having a sleepover and then going home and feeling empty and lonely. I absolutely hate this feeling of him being gone. His flight was canceled but he was able to reschedule out of a different airport. I wanted to lie and say he had to stay the night. Being wasted and alone is probably the worst possible scenario right now.

Friday night he got in, and we went to the bar. Conversation was shallow, but nothing compares to the feeling of hugging each other, and being close again. We got pizza, went home, I put on the sex mix, and we layed in bed. At first I honestly thought nothing would happen. Then he tilted my chin up, and we started kissing. I made him go out and buy condoms, even though we didn’t end up using them. He promised the girl he was sleeping with had been tested. I told him I had been using condoms. In reality, I had… I used one condom, with the one guy (Jack) I’d slept with since officially breaking up with Dick.

Saturday we roamed around the city, village during the day and sushi before heading home. We wanted to fuck all day, we got home and got ready for the night. Side note, I am totally hurting right now, have been since yesterday. Thank god I have no one else to sleep with because I honestly don’t think I could. And as I’m writing this, the tears are washing down my face.

We went out Saturday, and had drinks at Spice Market to start. We started talking, mostly about us, and about how things are/were. He said if I had told him I wanted to be together back around Christmastime, we would be engaged right now. He also said that if he didn’t end up with me he would probably be single the rest of his life, because nothing seemed to compare to what the two of us had. And he said that things obviously just would not work out, with the distance and everything that has happened. He admitted that he had given up on us, he said once he knew I was going out every night til 4am, he just couldn’t commit anymore. He never really trusted me, no matter how hard I tried to convince him that I was only in love with him and would never hurt him.

I started crying in the bar that night. We got some food, and headed home, again to have sex and pretend we were as close as we used to be. I held him close, as fucked up as it sounds, I would kill to have him next to me right now. Nothing compares to that companionship, and that feeling of caring about someone more than anything else in the world. We walked around the streets all weekend holding hands, he would kiss me on the forehead in the subway, we were constantly laughing.

His flight got canceled again today, and I was hoping he would end up staying the night. He was able to get on a flight 4 hours later, and as soon as he left I started bawling. We had cocktails and pizza beforehand, and I wanted to talk more about what we were going to do. He kept blowing it off, just kissing me and avoiding it. I guess I always assumed that things would shake out once I decided to forgive and let go… when in reality it has been him all along, not ready to really give everything. He left for the airport and emailed me, saying he loves me and I should never forget it. And that we shouldn’t rush things, and while I can decide what I want to do, he wants to see me as much as possible. And that the more things are forced, the worse it’s going to end up. As much as I love him, I can’t go through life knowing we will “see each other when we see each other.”

It’s been so hard for me to “get over him” and now I know that I’m not even close to over him. I still love him more than anything. I still want him all the time next to me. But I need to face the facts. If he doesn’t want to be with me now, will he ever want to be with me? What if I did move closer to home, would that even change anything? What if he falls in love with someone else… then what? He says nothing compares to me, what if he just hasn’t met the right girl? When something is right, is it perfect?

I don’t know what to do. I thought this trip would make things clearer, when I’ve actually never felt so confused in my life. I’m hurting, my heart is aching and nothing even really happened. Am I supposed to give up and actually stop putting myself through this? I can’t do it anymore. I’m annoyed with myself, after going through all of this. If I could have anything in the world it would be to have resolution of my mind and heart, and know what I want. And be able to follow that.

Jack

Jack is a one night stand. He happened one day when I was drinking from about 2pm until about 2am. My stamina is still fierce apparently! We met at the bar, and he came over and started talking to me, I just remember he kept smiling. This is embarassing, but I was so drunk that I literally don’t remember a thing we talked about. Not one thing.

When we wanted to leave the bar, I decided I wanted to check out a roof and see the stars (this is the kind of dumb shit I say and do when wasted!) We went over to his friend’s apartment, who he was housesitting for, and went up to the roof. He didn’t kiss me, and I was waiting for it. When we went back downstairs (after I tripped about 10 times) and got a beer. It was at this point when I realized I couldn’t drink any more, and had some water. We then got into bed and started kissing.

He was not a good kisser. Not at all. So I kept turning away, then somehow we were having sex. He wasn’t good at that either. I think we actually stopped mid act. It was not going to happen for me, and perhaps he was as drunk as I was. At that point I passed out, and woke at 6am. It was that “holy fucking shit where the fuck am I?????” feeling. He got up to the bathroom, and I have never gotten dressed so fast in my life. Somehow leather leggings and a kimono did not look fierce at 6am.

I was on my way out the door when he stopped me, and said “hey, let me get your number!” Ughhh… no…. I gave it to him as quickly as possible, then he felt it necessary to remind me that his name was Jack. Thanks, thanks, Jack. Now I really feel like a hooker! I left and slept for the entire next day. Seriously, ick factor at a maximum!

That was Friday, and on Sunday Jack actually called me. I was shocked. I didn’t expect or particularly want to speak to him, I assumed the asking for my number deal was a pleasantry. He left an adorable message, very funny and sweet. I waited 3 days to call back, and debated not calling back at all. April practically forced me to. Afterall, he was a nice guy, funny, and I mean what the hell, I’d already had sex with him. April is a firm believer that first-time-sex is not an indication of further sex with that person. I disagree, then again maybe I should take someone else’s advice for a change.

I called him back, and thank god, left a message. I was praying for voicemail, and god answered my prayer. Then I felt relieved and went shopping. Unfortunately, I didn’t lock my phone, and it dialed him 23 times over a few hours. Lovely. Now Jack thinks I’m a fucking stage 5 clinger!

I text him later that night, telling him I’m not crazy. He laughed (typed-laughed that is) and said no worries. That was 4 weeks ago, and Jack and I are now Facebook friends and talk a few times a week. We keep attempting to meet up but our schedules are both insane. He has a good job, and it seems that he is actually, in fact, the rare species in New York City – NORMAL. Not good at sex and almost 30 years old, but if April is right, then that can be worked on. This is coming from a girl who is dating a guy who takes 45 minutes to have an orgasm.

Crazy how the one person I never planned on talking to again is someone I’m actually considering dating. Amazing how standards for everything (especially apartments and men) get lower and lower when you live in New York.

His birthday party is coming up and I might go if Dick doesn’t come into town. Maybe it’s better to move forward rather than backward…

Ex regrets

He’s not even here yet and might not come afterall. I am horribly regretting any and all of this. Some of our friends got married over the weekend, and I heard from him while he was at the rehearsal dinner, and then not again all weekend. I’ve barely talked to him… and he’s supposed to be staying with me. I asked him if he wanted to get a hotel one of the nights so we could have some privacy… still waiting on the answer to that one.

How does he have this ability to make me feel so pathetic? In reality he should be kissing my ass, sending flowers, at least talking about being excited to see me. For the first time I realize that I don’t really fit in his life anymore… there’s no room for me, and he doesn’t care any more. I think a lot of what was holding me back so much was that I always thought he still cared – that we still had some love left. And that’s what I was clinging to… and now I’ve realized that we don’t. Hopefully that will help me put my heart into really moving on.

Him coming here would/will be a step backwards from that, because of course he will care while he’s here. I’m sure he’s going to walk in, charm my pants off, and then he will leave me feeling empty. There’s always that fantasy of seeing someone you were in love with and having it all come back, all the feelings and the waves of being comfortable and happy, especially when sex is involved. But now I can tell that things are really different, he’s not someone who even cares about trying. I barely know him anymore, no matter how much I want to hold on to him as the boy I used to know, used to love and want to be with.

I’ve been wanting to know for so long why I keep holding on, why I keep hoping that he will change and realize that he wants to be with me. But I don’t think it matters – I know why I’m holding on, and now I know why I don’t need to do that anymore. I know he won’t change – maybe the person I was in love with didn’t even really exist – maybe I didn’t see him for what he was the whole time. And now I know he doesn’t want to be with me, or isn’t capable of it. That makes me feel like shit, but at the same time, I know we were in love at one point, and I know I am capable of truly giving my all to somebody. And you can’t force somebody to care if they don’t. You can only believe in karma, and know that one day, they will finally get it.

Maybe it hasn’t worked out with any of the men I’ve met because I’ve been closed. Even though in my head I’ve been open to a new relationship, maybe subconsiously I don’t want someone else. Maybe I can’t fall in love again until I’ve really let go. Either way I haven’t taken care of myself or given myself enough credit. I do deserve to be treated well. If anything, his behavior has made me so much more sure that I don’t want to cross the boundaries into anything physical if he does end up showing up. I will not be that pathetic ex-girlfriend who sleeps with her ex to feel validated. And if he doesn’t come, I have Jack’s birthday party to go to…

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