Please Take A Moment to Admire My Attire

Well as redundant as this may seem, I feel I’m at another divide. Confused about what I want, feeling sort of empty. I’ve continued to fuck around with Steven… gone back and forth about whether it’s a good idea or not. Sometimes I think, “It’s just sex, use him like he’s using you.” Sometimes I think, “I’m the other woman and I feel guilty.” Sometimes I think, “Maybe he really does want to be with me, things are just too complicated.” I tell myself I don’t really have feelings for him, that it’s just fun and carefree, and I’m not giving up anything else for him so why the hell not – we all have needs right? But then he flakes on plans, or just kind of ignores me when I run into him. Or even worse, one of my friends sees him out with his girlfriend.

In my brain, I know how completely lame it is. I guess every other male option just doesn’t seem that exciting, so I fall back on Steven because when it comes down to it, I’m bored. I’m craving companionship, and with someone I feel attracted to. I want to have weekends like Dick and I used to, where we laid in bed and had sex all day and just got up for water and food. Also, I think I’m still not really happy with myself. I used to be so confident and happy, New York has made me somewhat insecure… well a combination of that and the fact that my relationship with Dick severely damaged all self esteem that I had. I know it’s not an excuse, and I know I can work on it, but it’s a little discouraging. It’s hard for me to focus on myself too, because it’s going to take time to get where I want to be. And sometimes it’s easier just to go get drunk.

That’s my goal in the next few weeks, to quit fucking Steven, and to work on my mind, body, and spirit. And to buy a Birkin next weekend. Short post, but I plan on being more frequent soon, it is SPRING after all!

My Favorite Recession Proof Luxury: Gossip

I keep slacking, so when I do write I have so much to catch up on! First of all let’s tackle the men. Mitch (see earlier post about me questioning whether he could be more than a friend) finally came to visit. Slept in my bed. Got wasted with me. And nothing happened, not even close. Not even an awkward “oops I didn’t mean to touch you while I was sleeping.” Which is a good thing I suppose. At least I don’t wonder anymore, and at least we will always have our friendship. When the chemistry isn’t there, it just isn’t and you can’t force it.

Dick and I saw each other the weekend after Mitch came to town. Dick got in at 10pm, and I had spent the afternoon at Steve’s. Dick and I had a pretty fun weekend, except on Saturday night we had a huge fight and he brought me to tears. I am so over all the drama, and it’s like he can’t live without it. I left him at 3am and haven’t looked back. I’m mentally exhausted from everything that’s gone down with us and I’m finally done. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

I saw Steve again the day after Dick left. He and I spent a great, sober afternoon together before Dick got into town and it was great. It was like hanging out with a funny friend that later you get to fuck. I was looking around his place, and definitely saw photographic evidence of the girlfriend. A few days later when Brandon and I were at his bar, she was sitting there too. Talk about awkward! When Steve and I first met he told me how bad their relationship was, and that’s why I ignored the fact that he had a girlfriend. That is obviously not true and kind of a slap in the face. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is my responsibility for getting involved in the first place. But I’m done. I can’t keep wasting time on a man who has his girlfriend in front of him and his mistress to the side, literally! It’s a little trailer park to me, huge dick or no huge dick!

Last night I went on the worst date ever. He was so grabby with me, and actually wanted me to go home with him after about 2 hours of talking, even though I specifically said I had other plans. The only reason I gave him a chance was because he seemed normal. Lawyer, 9-5, not a musician or bartender. But that backfired.

Onto fashion! I still saw many shows this year, but I must say, a dark cloud hung over the week. The fashion world is one of the few that actually seems cognizent of the state of affairs with the recession. Citibank, take note.

I loved Marc Jacobs much more than usual this year, Matthew Williamson is always a winner in my book. I’ll say it again, William Rast does not belong at fashion week. Kanye West, get over yourself.

One of my favorite reads is NYMag.com, and right now they are polling for the “Bests of NY”: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/02/whats_your_best_of_new_york.html. Read the comments for a good laugh, only in New York will you find people literally berating each other for their choice of best bagel. What I don’t understand are the people that call out their favorite bars. There are so few places in New York to drink that aren’t overrun by tacky people and tourists, please don’t try to ruin them. If you’re calling out a place like Southerm Hospitality or the Box, ruin away, because for God’s sake – the more douchebags we can get into one place the better off we all are. But the little neighborhood places, leave them alone! I’ll make my lists of the “bests and worsts” excluding bars of course. Please contribute your favorites too!

1. Best brunch: Public or Cafe Select

2. Best place to fuck in the bathrooms: Peep

3. Best sushi: Yama (17th)

4. Best hotel bar: Maritime

5. Best steak: STK or Sparks

6. Best cupcake: At the moment, Buttercup

7. Best way to spend a boring afternoon: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Annex or shopping in the garment district

8. Best place to shop: Bloomingdales – say what you want about this one, we are in a recession people!

1. Worst Brunch: Any shitty little place around NYU

2. Worst place to fuck in the bathrooms: Quality Meats – best bathrooms in town, don’t dirty them up!

3. Worst sushi: Any midtown lunch cafe

4. Worst hotel bar: Gansevoort – the people, not the actual place

5. Worst steak: Personally, I’m over Smith and Wollensky

6. Worst cupcake: Magnolia – too much sugar!

7. Worst place to spend a boring afternoon: Let’s face it, you can’t really go wrong doing any time wasting activity in NY

8. Worst place to shop: Overpriced boutiques in SoHo