Well as redundant as this may seem, I feel I’m at another divide. Confused about what I want, feeling sort of empty. I’ve continued to fuck around with Steven… gone back and forth about whether it’s a good idea or not. Sometimes I think, “It’s just sex, use him like he’s using you.” Sometimes I think, “I’m the other woman and I feel guilty.” Sometimes I think, “Maybe he really does want to be with me, things are just too complicated.” I tell myself I don’t really have feelings for him, that it’s just fun and carefree, and I’m not giving up anything else for him so why the hell not – we all have needs right? But then he flakes on plans, or just kind of ignores me when I run into him. Or even worse, one of my friends sees him out with his girlfriend.
In my brain, I know how completely lame it is. I guess every other male option just doesn’t seem that exciting, so I fall back on Steven because when it comes down to it, I’m bored. I’m craving companionship, and with someone I feel attracted to. I want to have weekends like Dick and I used to, where we laid in bed and had sex all day and just got up for water and food. Also, I think I’m still not really happy with myself. I used to be so confident and happy, New York has made me somewhat insecure… well a combination of that and the fact that my relationship with Dick severely damaged all self esteem that I had. I know it’s not an excuse, and I know I can work on it, but it’s a little discouraging. It’s hard for me to focus on myself too, because it’s going to take time to get where I want to be. And sometimes it’s easier just to go get drunk.
That’s my goal in the next few weeks, to quit fucking Steven, and to work on my mind, body, and spirit. And to buy a Birkin next weekend. Short post, but I plan on being more frequent soon, it is SPRING after all!
