So I saw the fabulous Lady Gaga’s show last night, and she was out of this world. Better than Britney, Madonna,
Janet, Beyonce, put together! Loved the Warhol references, loved the outfits, loved that her thighs aren’t anorexic and she still doesn’t feel the need for pants. Brilliant.
So Steven and I have intensified somewhat… started communicating more frequently, and it has become increasingly annoying. When I don’t hear from him, I wonder why… when I do hear from him, I wonder why. It’s so frustrating! When it comes down to it, I don’t want to be with him. He has nothing that I’m looking for in any capacity really. Nothing that is attractive in a long term partner. I tell myself it’s about the connection and chemistry we have, but I’m starting to think that’s a load of shit. And maybe it’s something that doesn’t always exist on both ends. Maybe I feel the connection and chemistry and he just feels easy sex. If we are going to be friends who sleep together, then it would be nice to have a meaningful conversation. I would like to ask about his girlfriend, ask about his life. But I don’t want to take things to a weird level, since he probably sees me as this laid back, carefree thing to him. Oh my god it’s so pathetic. As I type and read I can’t believe I’ve been reduced to a plaything of some guy I’m not even into outside of the bedroom. He doesn’t care and I spend so much time obsessing. Is it still about “winning”? What exactly am I doing with this?
On a worse note, Dick is now moving two hours away. I don’t need him coming back into my life and wasting more of my time. I need to move forward and I keep feeling like I am stuck in this backwards motion, spending time with these men that aren’t viable options.
I have a lot to be grateful for, and I try to remind myself of that during these times when I’m overwhelmed with my man obsessions. The past couple weeks have been trying times for me socially, and I find myself doubting things I held true. My circle of friends has been troublesome lately, several people who I considered my best friends have recently taken advantage of my kindness and generosity. It always surprises me when people do shady things, and I’m not sure why. I try not to have a cynical outlook, and I must be a terrible judge of character. I forgive and trust far too easily. I hate to change that about myself, but maybe it’s time to wise up and stop being so naiive.
Also, Brandon is moving away. I am so sad, wondering now who I will go out with. Back to my slightly less glam life?
I’m going to spend the rest of the afternoon inside on this rainy day, listening to some Gaga and not thinking about boys! I feel like I need to write that on a chalkboard over and over.
Posted by almostfamousnewyorkdoll 