Will You Be My Future Love?

So I saw the fabulous Lady Gaga’s show last night, and she was out of this world. Better than Britney, Madonna,
Janet, Beyonce, put together! Loved the Warhol references, loved the outfits, loved that her thighs aren’t anorexic and she still doesn’t feel the need for pants. Brilliant.

So Steven and I have intensified somewhat… started communicating more frequently, and it has become increasingly annoying. When I don’t hear from him, I wonder why… when I do hear from him, I wonder why. It’s so frustrating! When it comes down to it, I don’t want to be with him. He has nothing that I’m looking for in any capacity really. Nothing that is attractive in a long term partner. I tell myself it’s about the connection and chemistry we have, but I’m starting to think that’s a load of shit. And maybe it’s something that doesn’t always exist on both ends. Maybe I feel the connection and chemistry and he just feels easy sex. If we are going to be friends who sleep together, then it would be nice to have a meaningful conversation. I would like to ask about his girlfriend, ask about his life. But I don’t want to take things to a weird level, since he probably sees me as this laid back, carefree thing to him. Oh my god it’s so pathetic. As I type and read I can’t believe I’ve been reduced to a plaything of some guy I’m not even into outside of the bedroom. He doesn’t care and I spend so much time obsessing. Is it still about “winning”? What exactly am I doing with this?

On a worse note, Dick is now moving two hours away. I don’t need him coming back into my life and wasting more of my time. I need to move forward and I keep feeling like I am stuck in this backwards motion, spending time with these men that aren’t viable options.

I have a lot to be grateful for, and I try to remind myself of that during these times when I’m overwhelmed with my man obsessions. The past couple weeks have been trying times for me socially, and I find myself doubting things I held true. My circle of friends has been troublesome lately, several people who I considered my best friends have recently taken advantage of my kindness and generosity. It always surprises me when people do shady things, and I’m not sure why. I try not to have a cynical outlook, and I must be a terrible judge of character. I forgive and trust far too easily. I hate to change that about myself, but maybe it’s time to wise up and stop being so naiive.

Also, Brandon is moving away.  I am so sad, wondering now who I will go out with. Back to my slightly less glam life?

I’m going to spend the rest of the afternoon inside on this rainy day, listening to some Gaga and not thinking about boys! I feel like I need to write that on a chalkboard over and over.

Please Take A Moment to Admire My Attire

Well as redundant as this may seem, I feel I’m at another divide. Confused about what I want, feeling sort of empty. I’ve continued to fuck around with Steven… gone back and forth about whether it’s a good idea or not. Sometimes I think, “It’s just sex, use him like he’s using you.” Sometimes I think, “I’m the other woman and I feel guilty.” Sometimes I think, “Maybe he really does want to be with me, things are just too complicated.” I tell myself I don’t really have feelings for him, that it’s just fun and carefree, and I’m not giving up anything else for him so why the hell not – we all have needs right? But then he flakes on plans, or just kind of ignores me when I run into him. Or even worse, one of my friends sees him out with his girlfriend.

In my brain, I know how completely lame it is. I guess every other male option just doesn’t seem that exciting, so I fall back on Steven because when it comes down to it, I’m bored. I’m craving companionship, and with someone I feel attracted to. I want to have weekends like Dick and I used to, where we laid in bed and had sex all day and just got up for water and food. Also, I think I’m still not really happy with myself. I used to be so confident and happy, New York has made me somewhat insecure… well a combination of that and the fact that my relationship with Dick severely damaged all self esteem that I had. I know it’s not an excuse, and I know I can work on it, but it’s a little discouraging. It’s hard for me to focus on myself too, because it’s going to take time to get where I want to be. And sometimes it’s easier just to go get drunk.

That’s my goal in the next few weeks, to quit fucking Steven, and to work on my mind, body, and spirit. And to buy a Birkin next weekend. Short post, but I plan on being more frequent soon, it is SPRING after all!

My Favorite Recession Proof Luxury: Gossip

I keep slacking, so when I do write I have so much to catch up on! First of all let’s tackle the men. Mitch (see earlier post about me questioning whether he could be more than a friend) finally came to visit. Slept in my bed. Got wasted with me. And nothing happened, not even close. Not even an awkward “oops I didn’t mean to touch you while I was sleeping.” Which is a good thing I suppose. At least I don’t wonder anymore, and at least we will always have our friendship. When the chemistry isn’t there, it just isn’t and you can’t force it.

Dick and I saw each other the weekend after Mitch came to town. Dick got in at 10pm, and I had spent the afternoon at Steve’s. Dick and I had a pretty fun weekend, except on Saturday night we had a huge fight and he brought me to tears. I am so over all the drama, and it’s like he can’t live without it. I left him at 3am and haven’t looked back. I’m mentally exhausted from everything that’s gone down with us and I’m finally done. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

I saw Steve again the day after Dick left. He and I spent a great, sober afternoon together before Dick got into town and it was great. It was like hanging out with a funny friend that later you get to fuck. I was looking around his place, and definitely saw photographic evidence of the girlfriend. A few days later when Brandon and I were at his bar, she was sitting there too. Talk about awkward! When Steve and I first met he told me how bad their relationship was, and that’s why I ignored the fact that he had a girlfriend. That is obviously not true and kind of a slap in the face. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is my responsibility for getting involved in the first place. But I’m done. I can’t keep wasting time on a man who has his girlfriend in front of him and his mistress to the side, literally! It’s a little trailer park to me, huge dick or no huge dick!

Last night I went on the worst date ever. He was so grabby with me, and actually wanted me to go home with him after about 2 hours of talking, even though I specifically said I had other plans. The only reason I gave him a chance was because he seemed normal. Lawyer, 9-5, not a musician or bartender. But that backfired.

Onto fashion! I still saw many shows this year, but I must say, a dark cloud hung over the week. The fashion world is one of the few that actually seems cognizent of the state of affairs with the recession. Citibank, take note.

I loved Marc Jacobs much more than usual this year, Matthew Williamson is always a winner in my book. I’ll say it again, William Rast does not belong at fashion week. Kanye West, get over yourself.

One of my favorite reads is NYMag.com, and right now they are polling for the “Bests of NY”: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/02/whats_your_best_of_new_york.html. Read the comments for a good laugh, only in New York will you find people literally berating each other for their choice of best bagel. What I don’t understand are the people that call out their favorite bars. There are so few places in New York to drink that aren’t overrun by tacky people and tourists, please don’t try to ruin them. If you’re calling out a place like Southerm Hospitality or the Box, ruin away, because for God’s sake – the more douchebags we can get into one place the better off we all are. But the little neighborhood places, leave them alone! I’ll make my lists of the “bests and worsts” excluding bars of course. Please contribute your favorites too!

1. Best brunch: Public or Cafe Select

2. Best place to fuck in the bathrooms: Peep

3. Best sushi: Yama (17th)

4. Best hotel bar: Maritime

5. Best steak: STK or Sparks

6. Best cupcake: At the moment, Buttercup

7. Best way to spend a boring afternoon: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Annex or shopping in the garment district

8. Best place to shop: Bloomingdales – say what you want about this one, we are in a recession people!

1. Worst Brunch: Any shitty little place around NYU

2. Worst place to fuck in the bathrooms: Quality Meats – best bathrooms in town, don’t dirty them up!

3. Worst sushi: Any midtown lunch cafe

4. Worst hotel bar: Gansevoort – the people, not the actual place

5. Worst steak: Personally, I’m over Smith and Wollensky

6. Worst cupcake: Magnolia – too much sugar!

7. Worst place to spend a boring afternoon: Let’s face it, you can’t really go wrong doing any time wasting activity in NY

8. Worst place to shop: Overpriced boutiques in SoHo

Forgive Me, I Know it Has Been FOREVER – Semi Precious Weapons, My Love Life at a Stand Still for What Feels Like the First Time!

I say that in a good way – this is the first time I have not had some guy on the radar! And I know I haven’t blogged in a long time but I have been really busy (and that’s actually true this time.) I have a couple things I want to talk about, first of all, Christmas!! I cannot even begin to describe how much I adore this time of year… it literally brings a smile to my face. I even bought a tree yesterday! A little baby tiny mini tree, but a tree non the less. Now I know the economy is in a downturn, but I refuse to pepper this blog with rantings of my feelings on the topic, the world is full of too many people doing that already. So instead I’ll write my wishlist for this year!

1. A good man – even if he’s just a friend.

2. To not be pregnant (yeah, Dick and I spent some time together… but this time I was dead inside – and hopefully I still am.)

3. A Bond No. 9 perfume token, so cute!

4. Financial security (this just made me laugh out loud)

5. Job security

6. To lose 10 pounds (blah, blah, blah)

7. A tan (which I will get thanks to my holiday St. Tropez trip:)

8. A safe NYC for everyone over the holidays (even the tourists)

9. A sweet little puppy

I know what you’re thinking… that’s all? I get easier to please every year. On to the topic of men… Dick and I have been hanging out a bit lately, he visited, we had a good time. I’ve just realized that although we enjoy each other’s company, I want so much more… and I don’t want to settle. I haven’t slept with Steven again, I think we are both ok with that. The married man that I kissed now has a baby on the way. That’s all I needed to hear to get it out of my head completely. And there was a hot guy at work that I kind of liked a bit, but he hasn’t made a move, which means he’s just not that into me! I want a guy who takes charge and isn’t afraid to be agressive, be a real man! So I feel great about my single status, for the first time in awhile. The only part that bums me out a bit is the fact that the holidays really make me want to fall in love:)

Onto something else that makes me excited – the band from Brooklyn, Semi Precious Weapons (SPW!) I go to local shows as often as possible, after all it is New York City, the birthplace of some of the greatest music of all time. I was lucky enough to end up at a SPW show, and these guys blew me away. It’s exactly what the music scene needs, something raw, edgy, catchy, and PRETTY. I’ve caught a few shows since the first I saw a few months ago, and every time it gets me off. Justin Tranter, the lead singer, is hillarious and a perfect front man – not to mention, his style is inspiring. Cole (real name?) is on the bass, and so fun to watch – not to mention ridic hot. Drums and guitar are just as great, altogether a fun and sexy time. I highly recommend catching a show at some point, I think they are going to blow up the world – at least I hope so!

Anyways, hopefully I will write more often this month, although it is jam packed (can’t complain) with all types of events and sexy things going on around town. I love you all and Merry Christmas:)

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Kick Ass Bitches, Ketchup, Boys, and Halloween

So… the workouts and dieting are going well. I feel better, and it helps to know that I can do what I put my mind to. If anything, I think how you look to yourself really is about your state of mind. I took a complete “me” day today… and I plan on taking another one tomorrow and Monday (day off bitches!) Today I’ve worked out, watched movies, just relaxed and now I’m blogging!

First of all, I’m watching Law and Order, SVU, and I absolutely love Olivia Benson. I know that’s not her real name but it’s more fun. I saw her E! True Hollywood Story and it made me like her even more. While I have no issue with the celebutards, it’s refreshing to see someone who is beautiful, talented, and down to earth be successful. On that note, I am sick of everyone picking on Rachel Zoe. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I love her show. Ok well maybe a little bit. But honestly – she has wrinkles, she’s thin. So what? She’s not in her 20s! The woman has built a successful brand, and it’s sad that people in the media tear her down. It can be expected from Perez Hilton, afterall it’s easy to hide behind a computer and make fun of everyone else. But I don’t understand it coming from intelligent females. Shouldn’t we support the idea of successful business women?

So I haven’t talked to Steven since I sent him a dumb and pointless late night text. I’m not over it all, but I realize I need to be. Even in the absolute best case scenario, it’s not something I want in the long run at all. I just got a taste of good chemistry again and it’s hard to let it go I guess. I heard from Dick 3 times over the past week. First I was emailing with him to be polite on his birthday, and mentioned that I had a sick family member. He expressed concern, and then in record time got back to talking about himself. He then texted and emailed me 2 notes later in the week, completely disrespectful and self-absorbed, as always. Then he called this morning. It’s amazing how much I don’t even care about talking to him. I feel so over it. And I’m so grateful for that… and i guess instead of obsessing over how much I want to be with someone else, I should appreciate the fact that I finally have what I wanted for so long – freedom from all of that shit. I want so much more than he could ever offer, it’s funny how once you’re in love nothing else seems to matter. It’s a kind of a blessing and a curse at the same time.

I’d like to think maybe it’s made me all a little wiser but that’s probably naive. I do know that I want to meet someone cool. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, but I miss having someone to hang out with, see movies, walk around the city, have random bar crawls, fuck during the day, etc. It’s the companionship that I miss the most… that and the fact that you can hook up whenever you want. That makes me sound slutty I guess but whatever… if you read my blog I’m sure that’s not the first time I’ve sounded like that! I wonder if you can find it in New York. Everyone here just seems so self-important, so intense, so full of themselves. Where are the funny guys who are normal? And by normal I mean not available during the day. Not in a band. Not a bartender. Not an actor (or director.) Not an artist. He doesn’t even have to be that nice. Doesn’t have to be perfect looking. I just need to think you’re hot and funny. That’s it. Am I reaching for the stars?

Onto Halloween! So I have a couple costumes in mind. But I’m totally bummed out because I just got invited to an amazing party on Thursday, which is the night I got concert tickets for me and Brandon for his birthday. I’m trying to find someone to switch with me, since the band is playing Friday night too in Brooklyn. If I can’t I’m going to be so bummed out! I’m pretty sure I’m going to dress up as Barbie, but that’s only if I can find the perfect pink, ridiculously poufy and glittery dress. I can’t wait!

The First Smell of Success

So today was day one. I got my vitamins, if today was any indication, they’re miracle workers! For the first day in awhile I was not thinking about food all day.
I had a big lunch and probably ate way more than I should have, but that was it. Along with a bit of oatmeal in the morning. I also went on a walk in central park. So I’m hoping it’s not hard to fall asleep tonight, sometimes it is when I’m hungry.
I know this is short but I just need to keep this documented as motivation! Brief success but success none the less:)

A Fresh Start

Well I should start by explaining the fact that i’ve recently made a few posts private. This is not to deprive you of entertainment, as that is the primary reason of this blog. It is also not the result of my embarassment or anything like that. I took to google the other day, typed in a few phrases and my blog was the first response. Should Dick or Steven ever become curious and google a few key items, the posts have been far too identifiable. If anyone knows of a way to give out a password or something let me know, that way things stay between me and you sexy bitches!

I’ve been thinking so much lately, especially since the city’s begun to chill up. I love the fall and winter, although it’s much more enjoyable when you have somebody to cozy up with. I’m done with Steven. Done with dick, even though he basically proposed to me the other night. Through a text message, describing the ring. Just what I always dreamed of. I can’t keep wasting my time on these kinds of men, I am not getting any younger and it’s just time to get it together. Or at least be a better version of myself alone, instead of a shitty version of myself with a loser.
I feel like I’ve kind of hit rock bottom. I feel the heaviest I’ve ever been. I literally didn’t fit into my jeans this weekend. And I can barely go up in sizes. I still get male attention, and I think that’s why it’s taken me this long to really freak out. Guys still check me out, I have a face that can kind of compensate for the not so great body. But I went out with some girls that are skinnier than me last night and all the guys were staring at them rather than me. When they aren’t even all that pretty. It was not a nice feeling. Not that I would date the ogling type, but it’s still flattering.

I think the reason I’ve done things like hooking up with Steven and hung around with dick is because I really am not happy. I am not where I want to be. And some parts of that are not reachable in the short term, for instance I know I won’t be financially secure for awhile. I know I will not have the perfect apartment for a long time. I’ll never have the best clothes or have the most glamorous job. But I’ve got a lot to work with. And even though I can’t be perfect, I can be a lot better and maybe that will be perfect enough for me, and perfect enough for a wonderful and funny and cute man of my dreams.

So tomorrow morning I begin my makeover. Spinning at 645am, a WeightSmart vitamin (probably useless but being healthy is in your head!), healthy eating at work, and then some motivation from good old Gossip Girl tomorrow evening. I promise that I will chronicle my success or failure along the way. I can’t be the only girl in this situation and maybe me talking about my experiences will help someone else.

So wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted tomorrow! Night and cheers to a new leaf – it is fall afterall.

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