My Favorite Recession Proof Luxury: Gossip

I keep slacking, so when I do write I have so much to catch up on! First of all let’s tackle the men. Mitch (see earlier post about me questioning whether he could be more than a friend) finally came to visit. Slept in my bed. Got wasted with me. And nothing happened, not even close. Not even an awkward “oops I didn’t mean to touch you while I was sleeping.” Which is a good thing I suppose. At least I don’t wonder anymore, and at least we will always have our friendship. When the chemistry isn’t there, it just isn’t and you can’t force it.

Dick and I saw each other the weekend after Mitch came to town. Dick got in at 10pm, and I had spent the afternoon at Steve’s. Dick and I had a pretty fun weekend, except on Saturday night we had a huge fight and he brought me to tears. I am so over all the drama, and it’s like he can’t live without it. I left him at 3am and haven’t looked back. I’m mentally exhausted from everything that’s gone down with us and I’m finally done. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

I saw Steve again the day after Dick left. He and I spent a great, sober afternoon together before Dick got into town and it was great. It was like hanging out with a funny friend that later you get to fuck. I was looking around his place, and definitely saw photographic evidence of the girlfriend. A few days later when Brandon and I were at his bar, she was sitting there too. Talk about awkward! When Steve and I first met he told me how bad their relationship was, and that’s why I ignored the fact that he had a girlfriend. That is obviously not true and kind of a slap in the face. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is my responsibility for getting involved in the first place. But I’m done. I can’t keep wasting time on a man who has his girlfriend in front of him and his mistress to the side, literally! It’s a little trailer park to me, huge dick or no huge dick!

Last night I went on the worst date ever. He was so grabby with me, and actually wanted me to go home with him after about 2 hours of talking, even though I specifically said I had other plans. The only reason I gave him a chance was because he seemed normal. Lawyer, 9-5, not a musician or bartender. But that backfired.

Onto fashion! I still saw many shows this year, but I must say, a dark cloud hung over the week. The fashion world is one of the few that actually seems cognizent of the state of affairs with the recession. Citibank, take note.

I loved Marc Jacobs much more than usual this year, Matthew Williamson is always a winner in my book. I’ll say it again, William Rast does not belong at fashion week. Kanye West, get over yourself.

One of my favorite reads is NYMag.com, and right now they are polling for the “Bests of NY”: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/02/whats_your_best_of_new_york.html. Read the comments for a good laugh, only in New York will you find people literally berating each other for their choice of best bagel. What I don’t understand are the people that call out their favorite bars. There are so few places in New York to drink that aren’t overrun by tacky people and tourists, please don’t try to ruin them. If you’re calling out a place like Southerm Hospitality or the Box, ruin away, because for God’s sake – the more douchebags we can get into one place the better off we all are. But the little neighborhood places, leave them alone! I’ll make my lists of the “bests and worsts” excluding bars of course. Please contribute your favorites too!

1. Best brunch: Public or Cafe Select

2. Best place to fuck in the bathrooms: Peep

3. Best sushi: Yama (17th)

4. Best hotel bar: Maritime

5. Best steak: STK or Sparks

6. Best cupcake: At the moment, Buttercup

7. Best way to spend a boring afternoon: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Annex or shopping in the garment district

8. Best place to shop: Bloomingdales – say what you want about this one, we are in a recession people!

1. Worst Brunch: Any shitty little place around NYU

2. Worst place to fuck in the bathrooms: Quality Meats – best bathrooms in town, don’t dirty them up!

3. Worst sushi: Any midtown lunch cafe

4. Worst hotel bar: Gansevoort – the people, not the actual place

5. Worst steak: Personally, I’m over Smith and Wollensky

6. Worst cupcake: Magnolia – too much sugar!

7. Worst place to spend a boring afternoon: Let’s face it, you can’t really go wrong doing any time wasting activity in NY

8. Worst place to shop: Overpriced boutiques in SoHo

Forgive Me, I Know it Has Been FOREVER – Semi Precious Weapons, My Love Life at a Stand Still for What Feels Like the First Time!

I say that in a good way – this is the first time I have not had some guy on the radar! And I know I haven’t blogged in a long time but I have been really busy (and that’s actually true this time.) I have a couple things I want to talk about, first of all, Christmas!! I cannot even begin to describe how much I adore this time of year… it literally brings a smile to my face. I even bought a tree yesterday! A little baby tiny mini tree, but a tree non the less. Now I know the economy is in a downturn, but I refuse to pepper this blog with rantings of my feelings on the topic, the world is full of too many people doing that already. So instead I’ll write my wishlist for this year!

1. A good man – even if he’s just a friend.

2. To not be pregnant (yeah, Dick and I spent some time together… but this time I was dead inside – and hopefully I still am.)

3. A Bond No. 9 perfume token, so cute!

4. Financial security (this just made me laugh out loud)

5. Job security

6. To lose 10 pounds (blah, blah, blah)

7. A tan (which I will get thanks to my holiday St. Tropez trip:)

8. A safe NYC for everyone over the holidays (even the tourists)

9. A sweet little puppy

I know what you’re thinking… that’s all? I get easier to please every year. On to the topic of men… Dick and I have been hanging out a bit lately, he visited, we had a good time. I’ve just realized that although we enjoy each other’s company, I want so much more… and I don’t want to settle. I haven’t slept with Steven again, I think we are both ok with that. The married man that I kissed now has a baby on the way. That’s all I needed to hear to get it out of my head completely. And there was a hot guy at work that I kind of liked a bit, but he hasn’t made a move, which means he’s just not that into me! I want a guy who takes charge and isn’t afraid to be agressive, be a real man! So I feel great about my single status, for the first time in awhile. The only part that bums me out a bit is the fact that the holidays really make me want to fall in love:)

Onto something else that makes me excited – the band from Brooklyn, Semi Precious Weapons (SPW!) I go to local shows as often as possible, after all it is New York City, the birthplace of some of the greatest music of all time. I was lucky enough to end up at a SPW show, and these guys blew me away. It’s exactly what the music scene needs, something raw, edgy, catchy, and PRETTY. I’ve caught a few shows since the first I saw a few months ago, and every time it gets me off. Justin Tranter, the lead singer, is hillarious and a perfect front man – not to mention, his style is inspiring. Cole (real name?) is on the bass, and so fun to watch – not to mention ridic hot. Drums and guitar are just as great, altogether a fun and sexy time. I highly recommend catching a show at some point, I think they are going to blow up the world – at least I hope so!

Anyways, hopefully I will write more often this month, although it is jam packed (can’t complain) with all types of events and sexy things going on around town. I love you all and Merry Christmas:)

Kick Ass Bitches, Ketchup, Boys, and Halloween

So… the workouts and dieting are going well. I feel better, and it helps to know that I can do what I put my mind to. If anything, I think how you look to yourself really is about your state of mind. I took a complete “me” day today… and I plan on taking another one tomorrow and Monday (day off bitches!) Today I’ve worked out, watched movies, just relaxed and now I’m blogging!

First of all, I’m watching Law and Order, SVU, and I absolutely love Olivia Benson. I know that’s not her real name but it’s more fun. I saw her E! True Hollywood Story and it made me like her even more. While I have no issue with the celebutards, it’s refreshing to see someone who is beautiful, talented, and down to earth be successful. On that note, I am sick of everyone picking on Rachel Zoe. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I love her show. Ok well maybe a little bit. But honestly – she has wrinkles, she’s thin. So what? She’s not in her 20s! The woman has built a successful brand, and it’s sad that people in the media tear her down. It can be expected from Perez Hilton, afterall it’s easy to hide behind a computer and make fun of everyone else. But I don’t understand it coming from intelligent females. Shouldn’t we support the idea of successful business women?

So I haven’t talked to Steven since I sent him a dumb and pointless late night text. I’m not over it all, but I realize I need to be. Even in the absolute best case scenario, it’s not something I want in the long run at all. I just got a taste of good chemistry again and it’s hard to let it go I guess. I heard from Dick 3 times over the past week. First I was emailing with him to be polite on his birthday, and mentioned that I had a sick family member. He expressed concern, and then in record time got back to talking about himself. He then texted and emailed me 2 notes later in the week, completely disrespectful and self-absorbed, as always. Then he called this morning. It’s amazing how much I don’t even care about talking to him. I feel so over it. And I’m so grateful for that… and i guess instead of obsessing over how much I want to be with someone else, I should appreciate the fact that I finally have what I wanted for so long – freedom from all of that shit. I want so much more than he could ever offer, it’s funny how once you’re in love nothing else seems to matter. It’s a kind of a blessing and a curse at the same time.

I’d like to think maybe it’s made me all a little wiser but that’s probably naive. I do know that I want to meet someone cool. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, but I miss having someone to hang out with, see movies, walk around the city, have random bar crawls, fuck during the day, etc. It’s the companionship that I miss the most… that and the fact that you can hook up whenever you want. That makes me sound slutty I guess but whatever… if you read my blog I’m sure that’s not the first time I’ve sounded like that! I wonder if you can find it in New York. Everyone here just seems so self-important, so intense, so full of themselves. Where are the funny guys who are normal? And by normal I mean not available during the day. Not in a band. Not a bartender. Not an actor (or director.) Not an artist. He doesn’t even have to be that nice. Doesn’t have to be perfect looking. I just need to think you’re hot and funny. That’s it. Am I reaching for the stars?

Onto Halloween! So I have a couple costumes in mind. But I’m totally bummed out because I just got invited to an amazing party on Thursday, which is the night I got concert tickets for me and Brandon for his birthday. I’m trying to find someone to switch with me, since the band is playing Friday night too in Brooklyn. If I can’t I’m going to be so bummed out! I’m pretty sure I’m going to dress up as Barbie, but that’s only if I can find the perfect pink, ridiculously poufy and glittery dress. I can’t wait!

The First Smell of Success

So today was day one. I got my vitamins, if today was any indication, they’re miracle workers! For the first day in awhile I was not thinking about food all day.
I had a big lunch and probably ate way more than I should have, but that was it. Along with a bit of oatmeal in the morning. I also went on a walk in central park. So I’m hoping it’s not hard to fall asleep tonight, sometimes it is when I’m hungry.
I know this is short but I just need to keep this documented as motivation! Brief success but success none the less:)

A Fresh Start

Well I should start by explaining the fact that i’ve recently made a few posts private. This is not to deprive you of entertainment, as that is the primary reason of this blog. It is also not the result of my embarassment or anything like that. I took to google the other day, typed in a few phrases and my blog was the first response. Should Dick or Steven ever become curious and google a few key items, the posts have been far too identifiable. If anyone knows of a way to give out a password or something let me know, that way things stay between me and you sexy bitches!

I’ve been thinking so much lately, especially since the city’s begun to chill up. I love the fall and winter, although it’s much more enjoyable when you have somebody to cozy up with. I’m done with Steven. Done with dick, even though he basically proposed to me the other night. Through a text message, describing the ring. Just what I always dreamed of. I can’t keep wasting my time on these kinds of men, I am not getting any younger and it’s just time to get it together. Or at least be a better version of myself alone, instead of a shitty version of myself with a loser.
I feel like I’ve kind of hit rock bottom. I feel the heaviest I’ve ever been. I literally didn’t fit into my jeans this weekend. And I can barely go up in sizes. I still get male attention, and I think that’s why it’s taken me this long to really freak out. Guys still check me out, I have a face that can kind of compensate for the not so great body. But I went out with some girls that are skinnier than me last night and all the guys were staring at them rather than me. When they aren’t even all that pretty. It was not a nice feeling. Not that I would date the ogling type, but it’s still flattering.

I think the reason I’ve done things like hooking up with Steven and hung around with dick is because I really am not happy. I am not where I want to be. And some parts of that are not reachable in the short term, for instance I know I won’t be financially secure for awhile. I know I will not have the perfect apartment for a long time. I’ll never have the best clothes or have the most glamorous job. But I’ve got a lot to work with. And even though I can’t be perfect, I can be a lot better and maybe that will be perfect enough for me, and perfect enough for a wonderful and funny and cute man of my dreams.

So tomorrow morning I begin my makeover. Spinning at 645am, a WeightSmart vitamin (probably useless but being healthy is in your head!), healthy eating at work, and then some motivation from good old Gossip Girl tomorrow evening. I promise that I will chronicle my success or failure along the way. I can’t be the only girl in this situation and maybe me talking about my experiences will help someone else.

So wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted tomorrow! Night and cheers to a new leaf – it is fall afterall.

Did You Miss Me?

This blog is so long overdue… but the true fact is that I just returned from the UK and have been crazy busy trying to catch up with life! And soooo much happened on the trip, oh my lord! Quickly, before I get into explanations… I am over Dick. Operation “getting over a breakup” successful!

I got home, and the next day got my hair done… I should mention my stylist is my ex-boyfriends girlfriend… or should I say… fiance? They are getting married! I was genuinely happy for them, but it truly is an end of an era. It made me really realize that the past is far over. That night I met up with my dear friend Jackie. She and I went over to Dick’s, so we could see his new place and have a few drinks. It was wonderful to catch up with her and she plans to come here in a few weeks so that will probably be a crazy blog post!

The next night Dick and I went out to dinner, and then went back to his place for a little midnight swim… we had some wine, some amazing sex, and then I talked to his parents for awhile once he fell asleep. It was a good night… but after I could just tell things were different. The only time Dick and I were really having a great time was while we were having sex. Dinner was bland… he was on his phone the entire time. He had nothing to really add to conversation and had a blase attitude the whole time.

The next night I went out with Jackie and my friend Roberta. We went out with some more of my “friends” in a band and checked out their show – another for Backstage Adventures! We had an absolutely incredible time, lots of flirting and hanging out with rockstars, you know, the usual! Afterwards we decided to go to the bar that some of my old schoolmates were at. I talked to my friend Tony, who was on his way home, but turned back around to meet us. Tony and I talk a lot, and we’ve always been very attracted to each other, but in other relationships.

The bar was fun, Roberta met a guy and went home with him, and Jackie was too tired to stay out. I went back to Tony’s with some of the boys, we went for a swim, and then the others went home. Tony and i started fooling around, and ended up having sex. It was fun, but is anything really great when you’re shitfaced? Well, yeah Steven was. Anyways we finished and as he drove me home I asked him to keep it quiet. He asked me if I was already having regrets and I said no, but I don’t like everyone knowing my business. That’s what I have my blog for!

Next night I went out with Dick, my brother, and a bunch of others. We went to the bar and of course ran into the entire world. I would say we knew 99% of the people in the bar, per usual. Dick and I started arguing, and left to get pizza. We ate, and then my wonderful Adriana picked us up and took us back to his house. The next day I had a family wedding to attend.

I got home, and started getting ready for the wedding, and the dress I was planning on wearing wouldn’t zip up. I was about to cry. I am now on a full fitness and diet plan, I need to stop being complacent and getting into better shape!

The wedding was beautiful and now I had to head back. The trip was nice, but if anything I realized Dick is still the same… the same as he was when I realized I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He’s so happy and content living in the world I’ve left behind, and I just want more. I feel like I’ve gotten him out of my system. I haven’t thought about him much this past week at all actually. And I can’t wait to go out tonight and find someone new.

I met up with Steven quickly today, and he is a doll. So sweet and there’s just something about him… also, Jack called me last night. I texted him today, saying to let me know if he’s doing anything fun. Amazing that for once, on the most unlikely weekend, we are both in town!

This weekend will probably be another like the 4th of July, where the crowd sucks and the city is dead. Unfortunately, the hurricane in the south halted my plans. Guess I’ll just have to wear white all weekend and get that out of my system as fast as I did Dick. And I’ll be here for the US Open of course. And how could I forget the premiere of my favorite show of all time, Gossip Girl (!) on Monday! Perhaps staying in the city won’t be quite so bad. And I am very hopeful for fall:)

Lydia Hearst vs. Paris (no last name needed): Try As You Might, You Just Can’t Keep a Bad Girl Down

So let me start by saying the shining beacon of light on my sad, depressing Sunday without Dick, is my New York Post. It’s my Sunday tradition, and the only paper I really read besides Womens Wear Daily. The Times is full of too much liberal propoganda, Daily News is just dull, and the Post has Page Six. Better yet, Page Six Magazine! Which thank God comes out every week. I hardly ever have time to read magazines but I think this is one of the best written. The articles are so interesting, and very different from others that I read. With the exception of “The Hearst Chronicles,” written by “socialite/model/heiress” Lydia Hearst.

Now I know I promised in my last post about Victoria Beckham that I wouldn’t get political, but I honestly can’t help myself. I haven’t met Lydia, so I have no idea what she’s actually like as a person. But anyone who would write a column like this, in all seriousness, has got to be kidding. I usually just skip over it, but while Dick was watching golf today, I decided to read. There is a photo of her in some lacy red lingerie, with a quote, “You may have seen my new campaign for British lingerie company Myla, which has spawned a bit of mudslinging on the Internet about how I’m Paris Hilton. (Remember: i am a supermodel and I have the award to prove it, and she is a celebrity. There’s no comparison.)

There is no comparison, that’s one correct statement. Lydia, you are not a supermodel. Lord only knows what “award” you think validates the fact that you’re referring to yourself in the company of Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss, and Gisele Bundchen. Supermodels are models that people have actually heard of, models that are well known and internationally recognized. Not models that have to dress in lingerie to get attention. They’ve both modeled for Heatherette, been on European Vogue covers, designed hideous handbags, experimented in journalism, dabbled in acting, and whored around town. In fact, you might say Paris has come out on top in all those categories.

She’s modeled in more campaigns, even for her own brands of perfume, handbags, and jewelery.

She’s designed more handbags, and although quite tacky, just as bad as the Puma bags Lydia designed.

She’s actually written a book or two, rather than a weekly column.

She’s been in several movies, rather than a 2 minute clip on Gossip Girl (being another Chuck Bass victim – and let’s face it, he’ll fuck anyone).

I’m aware Paris is hardly a role-model, and certainly not someone who needs defending. But the only thing more pathetic than acting like Paris, is dropping Paris’s name for publicity.

Rescue Calls

So I made the bad decision to see David again last night. Why do I do this to myself? I didn’t get as drunk this time, although unforunately I can’t say the same for David. He was drunk after 3 drinks, yet again. As soon as he gets drunk he has two favorite topics: the first is his weird thing with the cougar, and his feelings on it (is it bad that I really don’t care?) and the second is 80s metal and how he thinks it’s so great. And I’m being totally serious here. So it was at this point last night when I called April and asked her to do something I have never ever done on a date – make the rescue call! I had her call me and pretend to be my roommate, saying our power went out and I needed to come home. David didn’t quite understand when I told him I had to go home so my roommate wouldn’t be home alone when the electrician came to fix it. I insisted and we got into a cab, and I told him I’d drop him off at another bar on the way to my apartment so he could meet his friends.

Once we got into the cab, David got all touchy feely again. To me PDA is awkward in general, let alone with a driver in the car! But I was tipsy and kind of into it… we started kissing and he pushed me down into the seat and was on top of me. Then he started to pull my shirt down when I looked over to see a guy in an Explorer next to us in stopped traffic, absolutely cracking up. He pulled me on top of him, and reached down my shirt, and put my hand on his pants. Then he said, “You have the greatest tits I’ve ever seen in my life, I swear to God.” Way to sweep me off my feet there David! But hearing it never gets old.

I was more than relieved to drop him off at the bar and head home. I got home and changed, then ordered a pizza from my favorite little family place. A large one. When I got there, the guy said, “You having a party with your roommates tonight?” Um… no honey, that’s just for me. I said, “Oh yeah, my roommates and some friends, this pizza’s the best!” What the fuck? Is a girl not allowed to chow down on a large pizza after an awkward date? I got that bitch home and went to town, amazing what a bad date and four drinks can do to a pizza.

I fell asleep and missed a call from David, and then this morning I got texts from the fisherman boy. 6 texts. With no responses from me. Like get the point dude! I also missed a call from my ex. I’ll get back to that after a little backtracking to yesterday before my date with David.

I decided to spend the gorgeous day at the pool. I almost went to the Gansevoort, but let’s be honest – this body has had too much pizza to be there right now. I went to a random health club, but the pool was great. Unfortunately, I also discovered that men in New York think that they are European, and opt for the speedo. The only, and I mean ONLY man I have ever seen rock a speedo respectively is David Beckham. I mean the man looks good in a skirt so the speedo isn’t incredibly surprising. I got my tan on next to a couple women in their 30s. It was like observing Sex and the City, age appropriate and all! The first was talking about how her current boyfriend had kids, and his ex wife was 2 blocks away. And how she didn’t really know if he would ever want kids again with someone else. Then she said she just wanted to reach out and smack him and say, “Fuck it, I’m 34, you’re in your 30s, let’s just have kids together, you know?” It’s amazing how desperate women become in New York City. Not that there’s anything wrong with wanting children and wanting to settle down when you’re in you 30s, but it’s like women just panic and freak out. Then she told her friend she wanted to call him. Her friend said, “Yeah call him. But call his office, not his cell. Then he might think it’s an emergency and he’ll definitely call you back.”

If you are faking an emergency to get him to call you back, no wonder he doesn’t want children with you! Honestly, I know it seems like I am on the wrong side here, but come on. It makes me wonder if it’s difficult for women to fall in love here because it really is that difficult, or if it’s because women are really crazy. My boss told me that her friend started dating a guy she met randomly at the gym. I was really surprised and said I had never seen people chat it up before, and that must have been true fate! My boss then said that her friend had aggressively chased this guy into the locker room, gave him her number, and asked him out for a drink that night. If that’s the way dating works in this city, I’m not going to make it. Texting someone back is about as agressive as I get, looks like I’m doomed when it comes to finding love here!

Now back to Dick… I texted him back this morning, more than a little snotty. Lately I’ve had little to no sex drive. But getting on top of David in the cab last night made me get a little turned on. Just not for David… more for Dick. I miss him calling me baby. I miss cuddling in bed with our puppy. Why is it so hard to forget all the good parts of a relationship and so hard to ignore the bad? Especially when it was really bad?

Too bad you can’t get a rescue call to your brain!

Pretty (Fisher)Woman

Pretty Woman is on TV right now and I just could not be happier. I love this movie! Especially when Richard Gere is driving the Lotus through Beverly Hills and “King of Wishful Thinking” is playing! So the title to this post was almost Weird Men I Have Met in New York City vol. 2. Because there’s been a few more…

Today I went deep sea fishing – yeah that’s right, I’m a bad ass bitch! And I caught 8 fish! Not too bad, right? All Fluke. None keepers, New York requires 20 inches, New Jersey only 18! Who knew there were fish in the Hudson River? I even baited my own hook. But lets face it, the fish are never really what it’s about… it’s the fishermen!

So as soon as I stepped on to the boat, I see the most gorgeous guy… he helped me on the boat, part of the crew. I of course expressed my interest to my friends immediately, and they laughed and agreed. Two minutes later, he came over and started talking to me, which continued for the next 5 hours… full of sexual innuendo (hello, it’s a fishing trip, it’s full of sex jokes! for example, “oh, you’ve got a big one,” and “oh yeah baby, handle that rod!”). So I told him he should come out for a little after-fishing beer, and that I would really like to take a swim since it was so hot out. And surprise, his friend has a pool!

We waited for him after we docked and headed over to his friend’s pool, it was amazing! On the roof of his apartment, but I am totally burned and paying for it dearly now. One of the reasons I was so into this guy is that he was so aggressive, but once we got there he just kind of sat there like a … fish.

We headed out and got some dinner, so exhausted. And the bar where we went to get dinner is right across the street from our apartment, and also the location where I met yet another strange man. His name is Steven, the bartender of course. Ahhh, the help again! It just never stops! But he is such a doll… we talked about our dogs, he was so sweet. We texted all night and the next day, when I got this: “There’s just one problem… I’m kind of in a relationship.”

WHAT? You didn’t think this was relevant to tell me when you were telling me how you wanted to see me naked and have me come over? You didn’t think this was relevant to tell me when you were saying sweet dreams baby? Like come on! He then went on to say that he didn’t mean to lead me on, that the relationship had been bad for awhile so I guess I forgot about it. Blah blah fucking blah. It’s bad, I feel so sorry for you. Like what a pain in the ass! Way to waste a good 24 hours of my time crafting cute and coy text responses.

But there is a silver lining… we spent the night hanging out with Nole Marin from America’s Next Top Model! He is an absolute doll! And he talked to my mom for like 10 minutes at 2am, how cute is that? It totally made her sleepless night (thanks to me.) He invited me and Kristen to his party next week, I’ll make sure to take pictures!

Sugar Daddies and the “Would Be” Sugar Daddy

Many New York women give up on meeting Mr. Right and look for Mr. Rich. He may be old, unattractive, boring, but he always has one very important quality – a big, fat, huge, always ready… AMEX. Now I myself haven’t given up on love just yet… but in the meantime, until that comes along, I wouldn’t mind a little sugar. That is, until Mr. X completely turned me off the idea…

This post is specifically inspired by a particular man, let’s call him Mr. X. When I first met Mr. X, I was quite the damsel in distress. One of my best friends (Lindsay) and I decided to take the trip to Bonnaroo in Tenessee to check out the scene and hang out with some friends of ours playing there (don’t get your panties in a twist, I’ll post about all that later;)

 We left around 2am, drove through the night and got in Tenessee sometime in the early afternoon. We stopped at a gas station to refresh (sexy, I know) and showed up at the venue. The time before when we went, the band had a hotel room and we met them at the hotel, then rode into the venue on the tour bus. This time they were on tour so they flew in, and didn’t have a bus. Lindsay talked to Yel (the bass player), and he said our passes were at the Holiday Inn artist check-in. Before you start thinking we are ghetto and into Holiday Inns, you should know that Bonnaroo is in Manchester… in other words, BFE (butt fucking Egypt) and Waffle Houses and Holiday Inns are straight up luxury. We got to the artist check-in, and big surprise – the passes weren’t the right ones. Some dinky little bracelets, rather than the all-access passes we would need.

 We decided to figure it out later, head over and try to catch up with the band or at least one of their assistants. When we got there, we were told over and over that we weren’t allowed backstage without proper credentials, and we couldn’t get ahold of Chris (Chris doesn’t get a code name because he’s a douchebag). It was miserably hot as fuck, so we ducked into a split in the wooden fence seperating backstage from the general area. We sat beneath a tree, near one of the band’s trailers, hoping we could stay there in the shade until we figured everything out. Long story short, Mr. X came up to Lindsay and I, all-access pass blazing. He brought us some cold beer and cigarettes and we started talking. He promised to bring us along and get us some passes so we wouldn’t have to worry about finding the band.

 We caught up with the band, watched the show, and then afterwards they had to fly back to California or something for the next show on their tour. Mr. X offered his hotel room. I didn’t have to deal with any of his bullshit because I was horribly missing my boyfriend and kept talking about him – Mr. X got the idea thankfully, although he insisted that my boyfriend was definitely cheating on me. It turns out he was.

 Mr. X texted Lindsay and I the whole way back home, telling us to just stop at the closest airport and he’d fly us back to hang out. We considered, but I wanted to get home to my cheating-liar-son of a bitch-boyfriend. He continued to text us for weeks after, until I got a call from his live-in girlfriend/fiancee/whatever. She said she pays their cell phone bills, and read all the texts. Then she tricked me with some dumb question, which obviously showed that he was lying because he told her I was someone’s cousin. Someone named Dennis’s cousin – hello, I’m Italian, I have no cousins named DENNIS. Thanks for the heads up Mr. X!

 I told the girlfriend that nothing happened, we met, and that was it, and I was sorry about what she was going through but had nothing to worry about. Mr. X quit talking to us after that. I texted him when I found out I was moving to New York, because I knew he lived there. I had 2 weeks to find an apartment and wanted any help I could find. He never responded.

 I went for a year without talking to Mr. X in New York. Until a band I wanted to meet was coming to town…. I knew Mr. X was hooked up, and after a quick consultation with Lindsay I decided to reach out. Mr. X and I had the quick catch up, that is until he asked me to send “some pics.” Let’s just get this straight – nothing, and I mean nothing, is creepier when a guy asks for a girl to send him “pics.” Sick. I cut the conversation off and that was that. Sure enough, next night I get a text saying he has courtside seats for the Knicks, am I up for it? I called his bluff and said sure, I’d meet him there. Sure enough, I showed up and the seats were phenomenal… I met him and his business partner, along with a new act they were trying to sign. After the game we went to the Palace Hotel, had about 6 martinis, some truffle fries (yum) and then some other random bar to check out a band. His business partner took me home and it was a great night. Of course I payed for nothing… maybe Mr. X was a good sugar daddy option after all!

 A couple weeks later, I was moving into a new apartment. Mr. X offered to pay for my movers, but the guy he had used in the past was no longer in business. I insisted I was going to do it myself. The day after move in, I had to go to IKEA to get some furniture and apartment stuff… Mr. X showed up bright and early, and took Kristen and I to IKEA. He payed for everything ($1000 +), and put it all together. I couldn’t believe how sweet it was. He admitted later that he did it out of guilt, because he got my text message over a year ago asking for help finding an apartment and he deleted it, pissed off because of the girlfriend drama. I accepted his $$ - i mean his apology!

 That night he tried to hook up with both me and my roommate. Now after his admission of ignoring my text, and helping me with all my furniture, I assumed we were even. Not so according to him – but when he pulled out his penis and tried to jump on top of me in my bed I wanted to close my eyes and have it go away. He eventually left, thank God.

 To this day, Mr. X texts and IMs me with promises of new Christian Louboutin shoes. It’s tempting, but not worth it. There’s gifts, and then there’s being a whore. And then there’s being a whore with a dirty old man.

 Moral of the story, to take a line from one of my favorites (8 Mile): “Jimmy – free comes with a dick up your ass.”